Conversations With the Cloth

Awe-inspiring, yet daunting, I’m overwhelmed with thought.
Fragrant yet poisonous, I’m far beyond the rationalization of this risk/reward analysis.
Consuming every side of what used to yearn for all things true.
You to blame and you to thank…And I no longer know the difference.
Fresh in my mind is a long-lost memory that feels so new.
The day you taught me that no one is who they seem.
The day that I learned that nothing is sacred.
Though not the first and most certainly not the last.
Always to remain the one who provided the most disappointment.
I often wonder if this is how it all began for you.

Weaker or stronger?
Hopelessly lost or finally finding my way?
Always to remain the one who receives the burden of this pain.
With nothing, I abandon comfort.
With nothing, I abandon solace.
With nothing left to find, I abandon all ideas that had me believing I could be something more.
And embrace what my life has prepared me for.

These nights when I think I can go no lower…
You continue to provide the motivation to despise myself more
These times when I think I can fall no further…
I’m reminded of the ways of how you tricked us all

Years since I bid you farewell.
Non-discriminating adoration….
Followed by the most resentful of hate…
Leading to this ultimate admiration…
A mess of gratitude oozes daily from the bottom of this blackened heart.

So ready to throw this all away.
The possibilities…knowing my mind no longer has to feel this shame.
Every moment of my being has led me to where I stand now…
The image of my former is no longer enough to keep me away.
This decision grows simpler as chance after chance passes me by.

The one to have steered me right.
The same one who guided me so wrong.
Suffocated by the years of lies that are ready to be released.
I should have thanked you for this when I was deceived into thanking you for everything else.
And let you know that I never thought I’d learn to appreciate the man I had taught myself to hate the most.

Weaker or stronger?
Hopelessly lost or finally finding my way?
Always to remain the one who receives the burden of this pain.
With nothing, I abandon comfort.
With nothing, I abandon solace.
With nothing left to find, I abandon all ideas that had me believing I could be something more
And embrace what my life has prepared me for.

These nights when I think I can go no lower…
You continue to motivate me to despise myself more
These times when I think I can fall no further…
I’m reminded of the ways of how you tricked us all

Much time has passed, and yet your presence remains so powerful.
Much time has passed, and yet your influence continues to grow stronger.
Perhaps today is my day, the day to meet up with you on the other side.
I want to learn all of your tricks.
We’ve got so much to talk about.

On the verge of destruction, and the wrong ideas continue to surf my head.
Wondering when my actions will catch up with my thoughts.
And almost mocking myself for keeping away for this long.
Fear? It’s never been fear.
Hope? No, not anymore.
No longer a question of if my dignity will be shredded, but instead a question of when.
A look to the left and then to the right.
The opportunity of this all will soon lead to my ultimate demise.
As I inch closer and closer, I never could have thought that it would come so easily.
Though once in, I know I’ll never get out.
And it’s suddenly all so very okay.