Shades of Gray
When the day greeted me with a sunrise peeking through my blinds, I accepted it gratefully…
…yet this was not something I asked for
When my chronic morning back pain felt manageable for a change, a wave of hope swept through my entire body…
…yet this was not something that I was expecting
Without the ability to balance my experiences, the lows always pulling me further down than the highs could ever reach
Doing my best to eliminate the extremes and stay within all that remains in between
I felt comfortable within these shades of gray
I was satisfied with cracking the window and occasionally opening the front door
I didn’t ask for the smells of nearby barbecues to snake their way through my screens
I didn’t ask for the cloudless sky to call me to my balcony or for the light spring breeze to gently brush back my hair
I didn’t ask for these squirrels to playfully chase each other from tree to tree as if their sole purpose was to entertain me
I didn’t ask for this family of birds to take up residence in my front yard and fill my ears with such sweet-sounding melodies
I didn’t ask life if I could have another taste
But now that you’re here, why won’t you stay?
Faithlessly drawing me in, allowing me just enough of a glimpse of the unknown to pique my curiosity
Introducing a false glimmer of hope into a mind already anchored with blame, anger, resentment, and fatigue
Causing me to believe for the briefest of seconds that I can still feel joy without consequence
Now that you’re here, why won’t you stay?
The sky, yesterday so bright, is now covered in thick layers of darkness
On most days, the weather, like all other events that can change on a whim, matters so little
But today, these ominous dark clouds, which seem to extend to the four corners of the world, frighten me immensely
I am overwhelmed with guilt, frustration, regret, and fear
I feel small and feeble for dreaming and for believing and for hoping and for smiling
Without the ability to balance my life, these endless lows feeling deeply rooted when compared to these fleeting highs
Doing my best to eliminate the extremes and stay within all that remains in between
I felt comfortable within these shades of gray
When my chronic back pain forced me to the couch for the night, a wave of despair immobilized my entire body …
…yet this was something I would have done anything and everything to avoid
When the day ended with another missed sunset, I accepted it wholly…
…yet this was something I wish I had never been made aware of
I wrote this poem about avoiding the extremes of emotions. I felt that if you kept your feelings within a more narrow range and not allow your hopes to get too high, then maybe you wouldn't be as devastated when things started to go wrong. Its other meaning is that life can be bearable if the lows can become manageable. A glass vase is less likely to break if it falls a small distance than it falls from a much higher elevation. It means not to put something higher on the shelf just because it has the potential to be more noticeable and more appreciated.
Written in 2012
Copyright, The Poetry of Bryan Buser