Bethany’s Peak

These feelings I thought were so deep and buried are once again come bubbling to the surface. 
I could continue to push them down and stuff the life out of them entirely. 
Or I could continue to allow these emotions to breathe, giving them a second chance to live.

When I was hopelessly lost, you took notice.
When I needed someone to listen, you lent me your ear.
When I needed reassurances, you were the first one to tell me it would all be okay.
When I thought it was time to hide from the world, you forced me to stay present.
Forgetting all else that has occurred between us, I reflect on our past with a pair of lenses not yet worn. 

A day of my life that helped free me of the emptiness that I had allowed to swallow me whole.
Together we carved out a niche, free from the barriers, away from the noise.
After the heartache but before the heartbreak, we literally sat on top of the earth. 

Past reservations, imperfections, and inadequacies that had previously halted me suddenly felt manageable.
Perhaps I was being reintroduced to a society that I had become completely disconnected from.  
Or perhaps the life I had been waiting for was finally opening its doors. 

When I was hopelessly lost, you took notice.
When I needed someone to listen, you lent me your ear.
When I needed reassurances, you were the first one to tell me it would all be okay.
When I thought it was time to hide from the world, you forced me to stay present.
Forgetting all else that has occurred between us, I reflect on our past with a pair of lenses not yet worn. 

While certain intimacies with others were a foregone conclusion, I said no with ease.
Prepared, I was, to abandon an entire lifestyle and devote myself solely to you.
This was what I assumed; this was what I needed to work.

I anticipated your every action and wanted nothing more in my life than to further our chances. 
Though my confidence was lacking, it was my one goal to impress you…to win you over day by day. 
I wanted you to want me as much as I wanted you. I wanted us to fall into a deep, passionate love.

When I was hopelessly lost, you took notice.
When I needed someone to listen, you lent me your ear.
When I needed reassurances, you were the first one to tell me it would all be okay.
When I thought it was time to hide from the world, you forced me to stay present.
Forgetting all else that has occurred between us, I reflect on our past with a pair of lenses not yet worn. 

While time doesn’t reconcile everything on its own, it does allow plenty of opportunities for self-reflection.
Many months later and here we find ourselves again face to face, only this time with our lowered guards.
Misconstrued actions and miscommunicated words, fair or unfair, there is no changing the past. 

I could continue to wait for an apology that I no longer feel is warranted, punishing us both in the process.
Or I could both forgive and forget and, in doing so, allow a new type of healing to occur. 	
These feelings I thought so deep and buried have surfaced again, and their familiarity warms me. 

Letting go of the anger and choosing forgiveness instead, allowing for the positive memories to outweigh the negative ones.

Written in 2015

Copyright, The Poetry of Bryan Buser