Mia

There you are, again reappearing in my life when I’ve forgotten you.
There you are…love of my life…there you are.
There you are...reappearing again each time I’ve prepared myself to erase you forever.
There you are…love of my life…as if you never left...

Love of my life, woman who roams my mind during all periods of the day, how I wish we could be.
How I wish these nerves would allow me to relax the moment we meet.
How I wish I this anxiety would abate each time you are near.
How I wish I could find the right words that would communicate my feelings.
How I wish I could gather the courage and express to you my desires.

Past jealousies drive through me an overpowering uncertainty that I lack the strength to push away.
Past paranoias cause these neurotransmitters to swing wildly out of control, rendering me helpless.
My mind is full of these persistent self-delusions, looming they are over every decision I’m forced to make.
My mind is filled with non-relenting insecurities, limiting my ability to concentrate and to reason.
In my refusal to surrender myself to a life which I cannot command, I’ve ended up losing it all.

Wasted years spent with so many others who mattered so little.
Promised beginnings with those for whom my heart could never beat. 
Failed romances with ones who I knew would never be. 
Stalled progressions hidden in a minutia of lies were these misguided connections.
Painful ends to these false romances which never should have been.
Hurtful words spoke with far too much ease.
Wasted years spent with so many others who mattered so little.

There you are, again reappearing in my life when I have seemingly forgotten you forever.
There you are…love of my life…there you are
There you are...reappearing again each time I come closer to locking you out completely.
There you are…love of my life…as if you never left...

Love of my life, woman who occupies my thoughts and visits my dreams, how I wish we could be.
How I wish my best self could compensate for all of these imperious deficiencies.
How I wish I could overcome the panic and dread, both of which continue to ruin me.
How I wish my voice wasn’t mute; how I wish I wasn’t filled to the brim with false pride. 
How I wish I was able to keep you closer each time I allow you to walk further and further away.

I’ve allowed apprehension to overwhelm me, trepidation to immobilize me, and despair to conquer me.
I’ve lived with this laissez-faire mentality that allows rigidity on the outside but hides a crumpled façade within.
In these reoccurring sequences of events, I remain rooted, deprived of an inability to utter even a single word.
Drifting aimlessly down paths of obscurity, thinking about the events that could have played out differently.
Dazed by how quickly I reached such levels of exhaustion based solely on doubt, worry, and fear.

Wasted years spent with so many others who mattered so little.
Promised beginnings with those for whom my heart could never beat. 
Failed romances with ones who I knew would never be. 
Stalled progressions hidden in a minutia of lies were these misguided connections.
Painful ends to these false romances which never should have been.
Hurtful words spoke with far too much ease.
Wasted years spent with so many others who mattered so little.