#42

Because it matters what you think
Whether I admit it or not
I can appear callous and cold and firm and strong
But inside, I crumble with insecurity
My inner walls crack with each harsh word
Two bricks of encouragement needed to replace one brick of hurt
It should matter more my perception of myself
But it matters much more to impress you
I aim to please but am never satisfied in my quest
Not even for a second
I strive and strive to matter
And still, there is nothing internal that assures me
I need the praises, the acknowledgment that I am doing right
Younger or older, male or female, friend or not
Anybody outside of my own frame of reference
And though you’ll never know
When you tell me no, you squash my heart
When there is no greeting hello, you cause such ache
When there are no visits or calls, disappointment sets in
When I feel uninvited, I wonder what I did wrong
And so I spend time wondering
Wondering why things are the way they are
And why I am the way I am

This is all about insecurities we all have despite the rigid walls we might try to put up. Everybody has their breaking point. Some of us have thicker skin than others, but I believe all of us can break.

Written in 2003

Copyright, The Poetry of Bryan Buser