Gone

Immersed in his life
Absorbed by his love
Such a simple, simple vision
Oh, how he must make you smile

Surrendering to this, all that is known
And trudging through the murky waters of all that isn’t
These continuous thoughts race through my mind
These endless thoughts are what haunt me the most
Time can be the cruelest of enemies

Framed is one everlasting image
One final descent down that stairway to heaven
I would never have imagined we’d be a one-act play

Of course, you still matter
Of course, I still care
Of course, I’ll step aside
I wish you the best

Stuck on replay, those words I never could hear
You’re not in love with me
Out love wasn’t meant to be
My open-ended invitation to never be returned

If I try I…
...I know I’ll die
I know who I am
And I’m not above that

These unnerving spirits strike nightly reminders
Waking me with pain that I carry through my days
This wild imagination gets the best of me
But still, it offers the possibilities of what still could be false

Of course, you still matter
Of course, I still care
Of course, I’ll stay away
I wish you the best

Burned with uncertainties, I should better cover these wounds
Will they heal on their own?
Or will these infections ooze from my heart?
And deteriorate my being until there’s nothing left of me?

If I try I…
...I know I’ll die
I know who I am
And I can’t come to terms

Was he creeping through the shadows?
Or rather appear from the heavens?
Had he been anticipating my loss?
Or did he just happen by chance?
Did he steal you away?
Or follow our unwritten code?
Did he fill you with untruths that you needed to hear?
Or did he help you discover the truest form of you?

Of course, you still matter
Of course, I still care
I imagine I can still find mine
I wish you the best

The finality of it all is what feels so ironic
Why can’t I leave this vacated rest stop? 
With all of its closed doors 
And its boarded-up windows
My daily misconceptions telling me to wait

I accept from you all of your wants though I fail to comprehend
And that’s just how it is
I will continue to mend, and life will go on
But what’s left unsaid prolongs this recovery
My mind, my spirit taking longer to heal
Some days are still such a struggle 
As much as I try, I see only gray
It’s crushing to know how your sun always shines
You found your new love quicker than a blink of the eye
When imagining myself with another still causes such pain

Of course, you still matter
Of course, I still care
I need to believe my tomorrow is your today
I wish you the best

Memories, past feelings, shared moments block my way
But do you even think of me?
And do you at all miss this love that we once had?
My final recollections are of you not crying

He’s showered you with his love
And while I know you’ve consumed all that he is
Can you honor me one last request?
Before he expands your heart to capacity 
Flushing me out completely
Can I reserve a small corner?
Can I permanently secure the most meager of spaces?
And continue to keep it mine?

If I try I…
...I know I’ll die
I know who I am
And it’s time I wash you away

This is about a break-up. Though the speaker knew he and the receiver were heading down different paths, he thought they would survive because of how much they cared for each other. When he realized that wasn't going to happen, he accepted it and was ready to move on. But then he became aware of how quickly she rediscovered love. While he was just entering the grieving process, she had met someone new. He became confused and angry, and he began questioning their entire relationship. So he talked to her. He wanted some reassurance that their relationship was real. It's not that he felt it was unfair for him to be so sad about the relationship ending. It was more about her moving on so quickly. And as she explained the situation to him, she did so with such little emotion. As he was crying and telling her, he loved her and didn't want to lose her. She watched on and, while she expressed sympathy, she was expressionless.

Written in 2009

Copyright, The Poetry of Bryan Buser