Sameness

Just two days and then maybe three
More than this moment to know who I am

That man in the mirror, go and do your thing
Actions falsified by the feelings of the day
Passions and desires that know not to stay
Truths rivaling words that will soon sound so distant

The deceptions deep within
Present themselves to the world
Present themselves to me
And then leave when I drift off to sleep

Just two days and then maybe three
More than this moment to know who I am

I’ll go, I’ll go, and then maybe we’ll see
I’ll take what there is and go to that place
Is it me? Is it me?
Keep me in the now; I’ll figure out the rest

This moment, this sight, might not last through the night
Feelings this second to fall off by first light
Head lowered, shoulders dropped, confusion sets in
You’re not who I thought
This isn’t what I want
Eyes full of disappointment 
Is that a smile or a frown? 
Is that relief or regret?
Notions that yesterday felt so perfect leave me at will
Like cancer within, even love erodes

Just two days and then maybe three
More than this moment to know who I am

A thought, an opportunity, to go forth either way
These times to shine and demonstrate good
These times removed, I’ve never felt this alone
These times I’m awake, I can’t tell who I’ll be

In this world of kindness and of anger, 
I’ve got just one emotion I crave
In this world of love and hate, 
I strive for just one feeling
In these day to day struggles, 
there’s just one emotion I covet
Sameness 
A  feeling of semblance to piece together a plan
Sameness
A period of consistency to put forth a vision

Just two days and then maybe three
More than this moment to know who I am

This deals with a mood disorder, with whatever specific diagnosis or severity is up for the reader to determine. There is more to this than just having a couple of bad days. Understanding who the speaker is is important. Each time he thinks he has figured out who he is, he is reminded not to control his emotions. So rather than feeling joy or satisfaction or grief or anger, he just wants to feel the same for an extended period of time.
We fail to protect ourselves until it is too late.

Written in 2005

Copyright, The Poetry of Bryan Buser