These Jealous Days

How I remember the years of our past, you and me together
Engraved in my memory the one single time when I felt content
Gentle, quiet times with the girl whom one day I knew I would marry
How this friendship would one day lead into the most passionate of loves
How the two of us together would conquer the world and see all of our dreams come true
This I was certain of, this I knew 

It seems like forever since that once certain dream felt real
The way that our paths have diverged into two different directions is something I never imagined
You have developed into something so gracious, so beautiful, something of envy
A sexual desire from a line of potential suitors that seemingly extends forever
While I’m so plain, so average, my self-image much lower than I ever deemed possible
This I am certain of, this I know 

The sadness of yesterday, today, and tomorrow, this hurt I feel is all too real
Recognizing that I am nothing more to you than just a friend
Painfully coming to terms that this was all I ever was
And only finally accepting the fact that this is all I will ever be
So I remain to you that person, your neighbor, your confidant, your friend
And hide from you what feels like a world of infinite sadness that slowly devours me 

But what about my affections? What about my feelings for you that will forever go unreciprocated?
What about my picture-perfect dream? How do I move forward when all I want is you?
You’re the one that I obsess over
You’re the one that I need
You’re the one that I fantasize about
You’re the one that I lust 

When you reminisce about a past date, your smile shines brighter than anything I have ever seen
Or when you discuss a date soon planned, your unrestrained enthusiasm feels nothing short of mean
When you zealously tell me over and over just how much he loves you, I just want to cry
And when your voice calms and slowly you tell me that you love him too, I just want to die 

Time alone, away from the noise of everyday life, is that are not particularly well spent
My mind is occupied by impure thoughts of you, picturing your naked body, imagining your scent
Preoccupying myself over every detail, craving your lips and your hips, your thighs and your eyes
Overcome with these fixations, unable to deal, covering myself up with a bandage of lies 

But what about all of the affections that I hold inside, feelings i know we do not share
What about my picture-perfect dream? How do I move forward when all I want is you?
You’re the one that I obsess over
You’re the one that I need
You’re the one that I fantasize about
You’re the one that I lust

These perversions and jealousies creep into my mind without invitation
They enter me subconsciously and methodically for no known duration
Unable to deal, instead shouting vulgarities and cursing god is all I know to do
Clinching my fists so hard that my hands turn white as I picture him rubbing you

Slamming the wall with the palm of my hand as I visualize you sliding into his bed
These illogical rationalizations and compulsive fascinations rattling my head
Your flowing, auburn hair dangling over him, tingling his strong chest
While you think it’s love, you are nothing more than his conquest

 But what about all of the affections that I hold inside, feelings I know which we do not share
What about my picture-perfect dream? How do I move forward when all I want is you?

You’re the one that I obsess over
You’re the one that I need
You’re the one that I fantasize about
You’re the one that I lust

 Images of his curious hands tracing your curves are images I can’t free from my mind
I haunt myself with my imagination and yet I have no idea what it is I hope to find
Angrily staring at my ceiling with a rage so bitter it tears at my most inner core
He may be better looking and smarter than me, but I don’t care…I want you more

Nothing is hidden here. Nothing at all.

Written in 2010

Copyright, The Poetry of Bryan Buser