Facing the Habit
Admitting to you now all of the unjust pain I will one day cause if I continue wearing this mask.
Already I have fooled you so gravely into thinking that I am somebody I am not.
Already I have you convinced, through this web of lies, that any future could exist between us.
There are endless corridors of secrets in this home that I have kept hidden from you.
Some secrets will crush you so gravely; some lies that will wreck you beyond repair.
How can I dismiss this urge that wishes to do nothing but destroy all that I’ve worked so hard to build?
Embraced by these distorted delusions of what I find intimacy to be, I crumble with self-contempt.
A mind once clear of this debilitating wreckage, I recall so very little of the man I used to be.
What used to bring extreme pleasure has been reduced to an intense pain that results in utter shame.
Everything else of value now eludes me; instant gratification is all that I now seek.
Facing the habit…
Looking it directly in the eye…
And acknowledging defeat…
And admitting that I am defenseless to its power…
It has complete control of my life and has no intention of letting go.
I’m about to deliver these prepared lines that will hurt you so much; I apologize in advance.
They are about to tell a story deprived of tenderness and void of affection.
It is the same rehearsed narrative that I’ve shared dozens of times before.
The intimate life that you thought we were working towards will die in these next few critical seconds.
The only truth I can speak with conviction is how genuinely remorseful I am.
Drained empty of joy, hope, and love and pumped full of envy, desire, and resentment.
These neurotransmitters misfiring in every direction, entirely lost is my sense of self.
A diet of lust has consumed my every thought and influenced all decisions I make.
Dopamine releases have overwhelmed my brain, and I’ve spiraled into complete self-destruction.
The next fix is never close enough; my thoughts have driven me into irrecoverable oblivion.
Facing the habit…
Looking it directly in the eye…
And acknowledging defeat…
And admitting that I am defenseless to its power…
It has complete control of my life and has no intention of letting go.
Lies and addiction. Addiction and lies. Knowing you need help, but unwilling to admit it.
Written in 2015
Copyright, The Poetry of Bryan Buser