The Woman Not For Me

The woman known
The woman lined
The woman marked
The woman familiar
Will never be the woman for me

The hardness in her eyes. I know what is coming next
The grimace on the side of her mouth tells me all that I need to know
Before she can utter even a word of disappointment, I will be so far out the back door
The realities of this deception creep deeper and deeper into my soul

These neural pathways sputter with confusion
Lustful hunger drives my days
This desperate need for self-gratification has defined my existence
And my ensuing nights are comprised of profound regret and shame

The woman with physical blemishes
The woman with spiritual wounds
The woman with emotional scars
The woman identifiable
Will never be the woman for me

An impression of the extreme rather than a sense of the ideal
While this was never something that I imagined I would become, this is who I am.
This beast is inside of me can only be harbored temporarily
I can keep it at bay on a moment by moment basis, but the poison is always itching to escape

My mind chooses to do nothing other than tear itself apart
Brain tissues are ripped apart piece by piece by piece
With each fiber disconnected, I’m more of a mess than I was before
Until all that remains is this shredded mess of a man

The woman with physical blemishes 
The woman with spiritual wounds
The woman with emotional scars
The woman distinguishable
Will never be the woman for me

Stolen are the remember forever days
Stolen are the days when we spent hours upon hours laying naked in each other’s arms
Stolen are the days when we were oblivious to crowds of thousands and captivated only by each other
Replaced is time spent alone, in total darkness, waiting for the waves of terror to pass through me

Never before has my heart given up so completely and so quickly
Never before have I had these prolonged periods of emptiness last so long with no end in sight
Never before have I been drained so drained of hope or so removed from any peace
This lack of being able to receive and give love has caused me to seek out empty alternatives

The woman who sheds tears
The woman who expresses doubt
The woman who shares fears
The woman recognizable 
Will never be the woman for me

Wanting to find comfort in her eyes, but understanding that I will never see it again
With intimacy eroded, the time spent with her is something that I no longer desire  
This contorted reality has forced me into these spiraling delusions that have completely ruined me 
To keep me from finding peace in a loving relationship, to keep me searching for anonymous sex

This new dependence has crippled me to the core
Secrets destroying these baseless foundations, I trust not a single word I speak
Spots once reserved for just one particular person have been manifested and spread to the masses
I spend my time with women whose histories that don’t exist, with problems with which I am unaware

Never getting too close...lacking the ability and desire to love.

Written in 2015

Copyright, The Poetry of Bryan Buser