Stage

Tired, despondent, and lost
Still craving to hear the words that you never did say
The ones that you did offer were not nearly enough
Following what feels like an anti-religion, 
Dragged down to places I never knew existed
Where I feel annihilated with sheer disappointment

I can't bear to go through another one of these one-sided conversations
Regardless of how I respond, I get that same exact speech 
No matter what I try, I always end up feeling the same
Clinging to every offered conclusion
And interpreting your words in every which way I can
So many more emotions running deeper than the plainness of your face

Basing my life around such non-events that I can’t control
Wanting it, needing it, depending on it
Where is it? I know you are there. Somewhere. Right?
I thirst to hear something that’s real
Something unknown, not already engraved in this once proud soul
Now that I’m this low, this lifeless, offer me something new
Won’t you? Please?
I’ve got a list of questions burning my mind
But I’ll take whatever you can give
Even in my busiest hour, my deepest sleep, or my darkest day
I’ll give you all of the time in the world
Don’t I at least deserve that?

Dying from boredom and an inability to find something new
An inability to even try
An inability to even want to try
And an inability to end this delirium
Stuck in this cycle of delusion
Where every new minute brings new doubts 
Until the entire string seems like a stream of lies  
Replaying to myself all of those words that you did say
While searching hopelessly for meanings that never existed
Over and over and over and over
What could be said about all of this?
What would they all say?

I try to put you aside, but these thoughts never leave
I can distance you temporarily
But I continue to ache the same
Until ultimately I sprint back
Attempting to fill this void with hope
When hope ceases to exist

Ironic how when I’m finally ready to talk, 
I can’t get you even to pause and try to listen
Ironic how when I’m ready to meet you halfway, 
You’ve already waved the white flag 
Ironic how I’m prepared to commit, 
The instant the opportunity has passed me by
You know I’ve always had trouble arriving on time 

Fighting to understand
Unable to accept what is
How can I just erase you from my life?
When so much of me is you
Craving to hear words that haven’t yet been etched in my brain
Needing to receive an offering that has not been memorized
Please?
I’ve got a list of requests which have been left unanswered
But I’ll take whatever I can get 

When we experience a major setback in life we go through five stages of grief.

Stage 1 - Shock /denial

Stage 2 - Anger

Stage 3 - Bargaining

Stage 4 - Depression

Stage 5 - Acceptance

Only when we accept the event can we move away from it and go forward with our lives. This is about not being able to get past Stage 4. No matter what you do, you cannot move into that stage of acceptance.

Hidden story. When you read this poem for a second time, imagine somebody breaking up with somebody else by leaving a voicemail. The voicemail is the last thing you'll ever hear from the person (for whatever reason). Imagine listening to the voicemail over and over searching for hidden meanings in the message and the things a person might do to find closure.

Written in 2005

Copyright, The Poetry of Bryan Buser