Winter
Winter rasps its knuckles on my front door, tender touches most others would hardly notice
I wish it would not, but there it is…like clockwork…letting me know that it has arrived
Whether I choose to answer the call or simply ignore its request is, unfortunately, not up to me
The quiet knocks will soon grow louder; the icy drafts will seep through my single pane windows
Soon, oh so very soon, I’ll turn into someone hardly recognizable even to me and certainly unidentifiable to you
Our time together, in conditions more favorable, could hardly prepare you for the man you are about to see
My cheerfulness first chilled by the crisp autumn wind
As much as I try, I can’t seem to shield myself from its unrelenting gales
Thoughts of inadequacy and insignificance begin to creep into this all too easy influenced mind
I’ll fight it at as long as I can; heck I may even win the first couple of battles
But soon this cold arctic air will cause my rickety defense system to crumble to the ground
Our time together, in conditions more favorable, could hardly prepare you for the man you are about to see
My spirit is frozen stiff; I can nearly raise my head or utter a single word
Your generosity rejected, your smiles unreciprocated, I’m so, so sorry
My blank stares and your frozen tears...we both deserve better
My likelihood of a collapse amplifies on December’s Dawn
The merciless hands of the new month strip my world of all of its color
Hold on, stay strong, these feelings of desperation will eventually pass
I wish I could convince my mind, body, and soul to believe these all too rehearsed words
Instead, I wage wars on myself…relentless, blindsiding assaults that I’m ill-prepared to defend
Our time together, in conditions more favorable, could hardly prepare you for the man you now see
Feelings of longing, comfort, promise and hope disappear with the season’s first ice
My mind drifts to places that awaken my anger, my resentments, my fears, and my infinite sadness
Rather than bringing me joy, our time spent together soon exhausts me
Your energy, your focus, your passion, and your appreciation for life’s pleasures now nauseate me
Rather than sharing in your happiness, I, unwillingly, resent you for it
Our time together, in conditions more favorable, could hardly prepare you for the man you now see
My spirit is frozen stiff; I can nearly raise my head or utter a single word
Your generosity rejected, your smiles unreciprocated, I’m so, so sorry
My blank stares and your frozen tears...we both deserve better
In the dead of the season, my bones are brittle while my ligaments and tendons ache and break
The final line of defense eventually succumbs to this harsh, winter climate
I cling to a bedpost, asking for forgiveness, begging for mercy, pleading for the agony to end
And while this sorrow will eventually pass, you’ll be long gone
My mind will feel desperate no longer, and I’ll be able to truly process the events for the first time
Our time together, in conditions more favorable, could hardly prepare you for the man you just saw
Come this spring; I’ll learn you’ve already moved on and fallen for another
At first, I will be disappointed, disheartened, bitter, and jealous
But I will eventually push my dejected feelings aside, find acceptance, and close this chapter
It’s not the first time the winter has ripped apart what I considered to be a healthy relationship
But I will continue to wonder what might have been if I had shared my innermost fears with you first
Our time together, in conditions more favorable, could hardly prepare you for the man you just saw
This poem is about seasonal depression and being in a relationship.
It's written in three stages, each stage being two verses that are then divided by the lines
My spirit is frozen stiff; I can nearly raise my head or utter a single word
Your generosity rejected, your smiles unreciprocated, I’m so, so sorry
Your frozen tears, my blank stares, we both deserve better
In the first stage, it is fall. The speaker is loving the new relationship in his life. She is wonderful and he is doing well. But he is also very aware of how the winter months wreck him. He feels the days getting colder and knows his mood and outlook on life are about to change. He's lost relationships before to the misery of winter. In a way, he feels obligated to tell her how things are about to change in the hope to either prepare her or asking her to help him fight through it because she is so worth it to him. He wants to apologize for what will soon occur.
In the second stage, it is the start of winter. The relationship is crumbling. He wants to fight to save it, but he's overcome with this seasonal depression that he has experienced before but doesn't know how to effectively fight. He wants to apologize for what is currently occurring.
In the final stage, it is spring. The relationship has ended. It wasn't strong enough to survive the difficult winter months.
The focus here is seasonal depression. Having been through the cycle over and over, the speaker knows exactly how he will feel at any given moment because he's been there year after year. And as much as he prepares for it or tries to fight it off, it will envelop him completely. It will be agonizing and it will be prolonged, but he also knows it will pass. While fighting it has resulted in him feeling like a failure in the past, he has decided to let the seasonal depression just do its thing before being finished with her until it returns the following year.
Written in 2013
Copyright, The Poetry of Bryan Buser