Unbalanced
There was a time in my life when I took for granted the idea that all of my dreams would come true
I used to picture exactly how my life would unfold; the good life, I was sure, was meant for me
I imagined a day when I would fall in love, welcome it, I would, the ups and the downs it was certain to bring
But those days of believing and hoping for the best have long since passed and they just won’t be coming back
I wanted so badly for you to be the one who could step in, who could intervene, and rid me of my sorrow
I needed so desperately to feel accepted, to feel at ease, to truly believe that tomorrow could be better than today
Unfairly putting this burden on you without even as much as a conversation now just seems so cruel
Your cheerfulness, your kindness, and your love held me together then, but now they matter so very little now
Years of emotional thrashings have forever taken their toll…and now there is nothing left
A bitter resentment of having never felt accepted or wanted…and now there is nothing left
Reminded too frequently that I was never good enough for anyone…and now there is nothing left
Inextinguishable doubt is never more than a stone’s throw away; happiness is something not meant for me
When I allowed you into my life it was because I wanted to be adored, to feel needed, and to experience true joy
And when you provided those things with such a loving ease, an all too familiar guilt began to creep in and consume me
What I thought would be elation all too quickly turned into panic and then disintegrated into a self-loathing misery
Each new morning I desired less, mistrusted more, and felt the burning need to return to my comfortable isolation
Your adoration and unabated love should have been more than enough to forever eliminate this self-inducing ostracism
But it isn’t enough…it isn’t nearly enough…and it pains me immensely that this is what it has come to
How crippling it is to look into the most loving eyes I’ve ever known and confessing how incapable I am of feeling pleasure
How selfish I must seem to just quit on you, to cause such irrevocable pain, and to do so, seemingly, with such little effort
Years of emotional thrashings have forever taken their toll…and now there is nothing left
A bitter resentment of having never felt accepted or wanted…and now there is nothing left
Reminded too frequently that I was never good enough for anyone…and now there is nothing left
Inextinguishable doubt is never more than a stone’s throw away; happiness is something not meant for me
This poem is about temporarily feeling worthwhile about yourself. It's about accepting somebody and, more importantly, allowing them to accept you. It's about desiring that feeling so much. However, without invitation, your inner self, the one that doesn't allow you to like yourself, let alone love your self comes back to life. The misery and the self-hatred don't allow yourself to love or to be loved, even when the one you are with wants nothing more than that, the opportunity to love you and to receive your love in return.
Written in 2012
Copyright, The Poetry of Bryan Buser