She Should Always Feel Loved
When you walked out my front door
I couldn’t understand what you were leaving for
You said your life had become such a chore
It was time, you said, to find something more
So I stood, and I watched as you went on your way
There were so many words that I never did say
But as time rolled by, I soon began to pray
That you’d change your mind and return one day
But you’re long gone, and I’m left wondering why
You seemed so ready and alive when you told me good-bye
You’re living some new life, probably feeling so high
While I sit here in misery, waiting to die
If I could go back, I would
I’d change the things about me that made you sad
I’d share with you more of my thoughts, my feelings, my dreams
I’d make sure you were happy and never felt alone
If I could, I would
If I could go back, I would
I’d kiss you each morning at dawn
I’d say I love you each evening at dusk
I’d change everything about me that made you leave
If I could, I would
Maybe true love is what you’ll find
While I go through my daily grind
Using alcohol and sex to unwind
Remembering the time when you were mine
I repeat what you said each morning I wake
“My love for you is something I can no longer fake.
I try, and I try, but my heart does nothing but ache.
One more night in this bed I can no longer take.”
Tonight I drive to my world in this beat-up old car
I look to the sky and wish upon a star
That you were here and not so far
Keeping me far away from this damn bar
I sit on this barstool night after night after night
Drinking my life away, I know, isn’t right
But that feeling is something I no longer fight
At the end of this tunnel, I see no light
I look back and doubt all of those times that we had
Why, when you left me, did you seem so glad?
Why do you get to be so happy and me so sad?
Why am I left feeling so confused, so depressed, and so mad?
If I could go back, I would
I’d change the things about me that made you sad
I’d share with you more of my thoughts, my feelings, my dreams
I’d make sure you were happy and never felt alone
If I could, I would
If I could go back, I would
I’d kiss you each morning at dawn
I’d say I love you each evening at dusk
I’d change everything about me that made you leave
If I could, I would
Each night another woman, there’s one I now see
She’s alone, cute enough, and is drunk as can be
She knows what I want, and soon she’ll agree
Though I’m paralyzed with lust, perhaps she’ll set me free
It won’t take much work before I have her stroking my arm
And soon her hands on my body, keeping me warm
My hunger hiding behind a façade I call charm
Though I’m using her now, I mean her no harm
Tonight we’ll come back and head to my bed
But it’s an image of you that will dance in my head
And as soon as she leaves, it’s tears I will shed
Loathing who I am, remembering the life I once lead
While it’s her I’ll be kissing; it’s you I’ll still see
Making love, I always do to a fading memory
I’m stuck in these moments, this self-hatred of me
Before I wake from that vision to my bitter reality
I took for granted the life that we had once shared
I know there were so many times I never cared
But I hate who I am; I feel so scared
Living to drink and chase skirts, scarred and impaired
If I could go back, I would
I’d change the things about me that made you sad
I’d share with you more of my thoughts, my feelings, my dreams
I’d make sure you were happy and never felt alone
If I could, I would
If I could go back, I would
I’d kiss you each morning at dawn
I’d say I love you each evening at dusk
I’d change everything about me that made you leave
If I could, I would
If I could go back, I would
This is a ballad about not appreciating what you have until it's gone. This poem is an apologetic letter of regret written to someone who had not been loved. The speaker refers to his everyday life, one full of misery. He writes not to get her back but acknowledges that he has lost that opportunity. He writes to express remorse and accept blame for his inactions and, more importantly, inactions.
Written in 2005
Copyright, The Poetry of Bryan Buser