#164

I’ve lost all my trust, and I feel like I’ve drained thoroughly of my faith.
My heart is bone dry, and I feel like I’m crumbling completely to pieces.
Abandoned by everyone I depend on as I begin the early phases of this next retreat. 

Others have wounded me in ways that I would never have believed to be possible had I not experienced them firsthand. 
The harsh words and cruel actions delivered so effortlessly by others have caused unbearable, enduring anguish.
Today’s isolation sends me further into this cyclone of depression that I am incapable of breaking alone.

Lord, you’ve blessed me with such an abundant and rich-filled life that I feel so foolish even coming to you.
Yet here I am, imperfectly flawed in this time of great need, asking you for even more.
Take away this infinite despair that has consumed me completely.
Remove from me these temptations that have devoured me wholly.
Eliminate these fascinations that continuously attempt to bring me down.
Erase this hopelessness that has swallowed me entirely.
Do these things for me, Lord, and I will devote my life to you. 
I will give myself feverishly to prayer and the ministry of the word.

I’ve spent most my entire life continually being let down by those who I revered and held in such high esteem.
In telling myself that nothing could any longer shock me, I believe I had tempted fate to jolt me even more. 
What has resulted is a feeling that the damage levied by others was selfish, hostile, and unjustifiably intentional.

Daily reminders hinder any belief that I will ever be able to feel safe in this world again.
Too frequently I am let down by this imperfect place with these incomplete people whose intentions are not decent.
Too often I then find myself looking for happiness in places that only deliver pain.

Lord, you’ve blessed me with such an abundant and rich-filled life that I feel so foolish even coming to you.
Yet here I am, imperfectly flawed in this time of great need, asking you for even more.
Take away this infinite despair that has consumed me completely.
Remove from me these temptations that have devoured me wholly.
Eliminate these fascinations that continuously attempt to bring me down.
Erase this hopelessness that has swallowed me entirely.
Do these things for me, Lord, and I will devote my life to you. 
I will give myself feverishly to prayer and the ministry of the word.

When all you have left is prayer, you pray.

Written in 2017

Copyright, The Poetry of Bryan Buser