Blade

Forever wondering what I have done that makes me feel so undeserving.
Invariably wondering who I have crossed that results in me feeling so alone and unloved.
Pondering where the sorrow will strike from next, its source of infliction, and how profoundly the despair will set in.
This repeated cycle of rejection, sorrow, default, and rage all too frequently drive my mind to dark, yet familiar places.
 
This discomfort continually infringes.
The anxiety constantly invades.
This anger steadily intrudes.
This omnipresent desperation knows no bounds.
 
On my hands and knees, begging once again to be forgiven for offenses that I have never committed.
Asking to be released from this hold that has inhibited me from living a life of love, hope, want, and desire.
A ritual has gone unanswered far too many times...today becomes the day that I seize control….
 
I pick up this blade because of the need to feel something, anything other than this mental torment.
I pierce the underside of my forearm because of the necessity to send different signals to my brain.
I drive the steel tip in more deeply so that I can replace this loneliness with a different type of intrusion.
I slice upwards, slowly parting this topmost layer to release the hopelessness that has come to form my existence.
These demons are strong, but I can cut them away briefly before they venomously start to slither again…
 
When a habit or a routine brings such peace and tranquility in another, I implore why they can’t do the same for me.
When others engage in conversation so casually and freely, I wonder what inhibits me from saying even a single word.
When others offer up their trust so quickly, I wonder why feelings of abandonment consume my every thought.
When a habit or routine becomes such a haven for another, I plead for my calming place of refuge.
 
This discomfort continually infringes.
The anxiety constantly invades.
This anger steadily intrudes.
This omnipresent desperation knows no bounds.
 
Slipping further away from anything that resembles value, I tuck myself away from the world and seethe in my suffering.
Falling into oblivion, clawing desperately for something, anything to prevent this slide.
A ritual has gone unanswered far too many times...today becomes the day that I seize control….
 
I tease the most tender spots with this razor’s corners, knowing I control the moment that this psychological agony will cease.
With the blunt slide, I smoothly run over fresher parts, taunting these unafflicted surfaces with small pokes and prods.
But before my mind has a chance to meddle again, I flip the handle, dig violently, and a different pain quickly sets in.
It is the control of this situation that feels so distinct, so unique, and so heavenly divine.
These demons are strong, but I can cut them away briefly before they venomously start to slither again….