A Widow’s World

 When you arrive in heaven, who will you look for first?
Will it be the man who made you a widow or the man who, years later, took his place?
Is heaven something even greater than what my limited belief system is capable of processing?
Am I spending my days on this earth, needlessly worrying about the unknown?

Do I have the ability to believe you when you say that you couldn’t ask for anything more?
Do I have the strength to listen to how much you love and miss this man who is no longer with us?
Who am I if I can’t accept that you lost this component of your life that I never had?
Who am I if I’ll never be able to get past the feeling of being a replacement part?

If you could have your husband back, I know you would…and how could I ever blame you?
The love of your life…the father of your children…your best friend. How could anyone ever stand in your way?
Am I lying when I say I am secure in this part of our relationship when I’m really not?
Do I risk losing you when I bring up my self-doubt up even after your reassurances?

When you arrive in heaven, and you see us both, who would you run to first?
If this isn’t a competition, why do I feel like I’m always trailing a ghost?
Will I ever be able to believe that I’m ever more than a replacement or a substitute?
Is the human heart large enough to encompass more than one true romantic love in a single lifetime?

When you talk with your daughters telling stories about him, why do I feel so inferior?
Why do I feel such pain when you spend time alone remembering him and your old life? 
Is it because I lack the appropriate compassion or think of myself as merely an alternative?
Why do I feel like I’m failing you because of my inability to get past my insecurities? 

Knowing how meaningful and flourishing your past life was, how do I keep from second-guessing everything now? 
How do I unharness anger towards me due to your loss, knowing his place in your heart where he can do no wrong? 
As much as I want to be with you, how can I keep from crumbling during these uncertain times of need? 
While you are the one I want to be with, how will I ever be able to get these insecurities out of my head?