If I Just Had The Courage
Tender kisses tease me; soft voices persuade me
Shaking with excitement, I know where this will lead
Trembling with fear, I know how this will all end
Tears stream down both cheeks with a move still to make
Still what I crave, still what I desire
This and this alone are the only love I require
My mind and body hunger, no substitutes suffice
Stabbing this revolver’s nose against each raw temple
Begging you, God, to save me from myself
Anticipations and perceptions lead towards these ultimate deceptions
Its voice, its scent, its smile that only I can see
This never-ending cycle, if I just had the courage…
Filling each ounce of this body with poisonous hate
There’s no turning back; it’s far too late
Rendering to what it offers, everything seems so fine
Love me tonight, leave me tomorrow, I surrender myself
Scrutinizing every star in the nighttime sky,
Is this a glimpse of heaven before I go to hell?
Perceptions are lost, yet you still feel so close
Pricing these mistakes, I’m forever in debt
Driven to new depths, these subliminal messages are never to be retrieved
Reality is forever lost; let me reason with these delusions
Still begging for a release, just not right away
Feeling betrayed while being portrayed
These traitors, liars, and apologists...
If they’d just let me be
This never-ending cycle, if I just had the courage…
Returning to earth, drenched in puddles of my own cold sweat
Eyes caked shut, nose full of dry blood, how long has it been?
I’ve lost it all…just not my anger…just not my fear
The guilt I feel, I must be the weakest person alive
Existence blurred, forever alienating myself from you
My reality, my hell, I’m now just a visitor
The reflection in the mirror is just the thief who robbed me of my dreams
This irreverent, undisciplined, narcissistic mirage of me
These choices I’ve made contradict the only life I ever craved
This never-ending cycle, if I just had the courage…
If I just had the courage…
If I just had the courage…
If I just had the courage…
This is a dark poem about drugs and suicide. Each of the three stanzas tells its own unique story.
In the first stanza, we have an individual who is dreaming of that high. The anticipation of that euphoric high is almost too much to take. He knows he won't be able to deny himself. He is aware that this high will have its consequences. He cannot resist it. He believes he can break himself completely of these highs and these lows, but he doesn't have the courage to do so.
The speaker is experiencing the first sensation of that moment's trip. Everything, no matter what it was, is okay. The speaker forgives everyone and anyone, no matter who they are and no matter what effect they have had on his life. He's in his own world where everything is perfect, where feelings of hurt are remedied forever. Yet, he is aware that there is only one way to escape this cycle that brings these out of body highs, and these drops you to your knees lows.
The high in the second stanza has worn off, the hangover and withdrawal are kicking in, and he loathes both himself and everything that his life stands for. He mocks his weakness to resist the drugs and believes he can only escape this life by ending his own life.
Written in 2006
Copyright, The Poetry of Bryan Buser