Insomnia

These nights are long; I try to sleep but only toss around my bed
Staring towards the heavens, visions swirling in my head
Should I love her, or should I leave her? It’s time to be a man
Is she the one for all my life, or should I run while I still can

But tonight, I sit along my headboard; sleep’s not coming soon
Her face unfeigned and just so beautiful, brightened by the moon
I just don’t know if I am ready to pledge forever to her
It troubles me so, is this what I want? I should feel far more sure

Perception lost, I’m in a daze, with thoughts that feel like dreams
Greeted by two small spirits, nothing’s as it seems
A small angel whispers to me and says I should do right
While a small devil laughs into my ear to flee into the night

Her heart presented like a gift; it’s there for me to keep
Two a.m., I’m wide awake, doubts preventing me from sleep
Eternal devotion; for years just a wish, tonight she’s all I see
While what I dreamt about for years, I just don’t know if it’s for me

If I want to make this work for us, there’re secrets I cannot hide
I must share as one my inner thoughts with this woman at my side
She’s vowed her love forever to me, doing it with such great ease
While I admit I’m scared, there’re fears I have; it’s her I long to please

Haunted with uncertainty; sweat’s pouring down my face
This decision should come easier, but this is not the case
It feels right inside my heart, but they’re things I need to say
Matters to discuss, worries I have, that should be asked without delay

Does the promise of tomorrow outweigh what I’ll leave behind?
Together forever, through sickness and health, eternal happiness to find?
I care for her, it’s love that I feel, but the future I cannot see
So I lie awake, tossing and turning; sleep’s not finding me

One of my first poems, written back in a time when rhyming seemed like the thing to do. I would say this is one of my ten favorites and I considered it my best for a long time. As I matured as I writer, I still believe this to be a pretty good poem, but not great. It speaks of the fear of commitment, a feeling that so many of us can relate to. We wonder if we want to commit, if we are able to commit, and if commitment is something that will benefit us. The speaker is in such agony about the woman he is with that he can't allow himself to sleep. Is she the one he is supposed to be with for his whole life? If she is not, then why continue to advance the relationship if he knows eventually it will end. The speaker is a good and honorable man. The speaker's heart is true. The speaker is rattled with such indecision that he is unable to allow himself just to be. He wants to right, even if he struggles with what right is.

Written in 2003

Copyright, The Poetry of Bryan Buser