Instability

In the presence of others, I often feel completely paralyzed.
When I see others in need, I lack the sympathy to reach out. 
I lack the necessary concern and end up finding ways to make it all about me.
It’s not my intention. It’s not what I want.
It is beyond my control, and for that I am sorry.
I know that I am continually hurting people and endlessly feeling the need to apologize. 

My perspective on life is blurred, and I act in ways that are often impulsive.
My view of the world is one that is obscure, scary, and unwelcome.
I lack faith in others because of the lack of trust I have in myself.
I expect those who I am close with to hurt me or to let me down. 
And if they don’t, I inevitably push their boundaries just to see how they will react.
I hurt them until I drive them away, and this process of rebuilding myself starts all over again.

The stability of a normal life is what I find myself missing the most.
I find ways of distrusting others even when they have given me no reason for doing so.
The lack of a sound mind makes everything from holding a job to completing routine tasks difficult.
This unhealthy self-perception makes maintaining close friendships or sustaining a relationship impossible. 
With an absence of any sense of self-worth, I struggle all too often to even get out of bed.
I don’t offer much, but when pressed, I’ll utter a phrase I repeat to myself…“I’m just a complete mess.”

My daily struggles take so much energy out of me that there just isn’t enough room in my heart for anyone else.
I push the limits with those who choose to be in my life as a means to seek validation.
To feel more secure about myself, I too often attempt to make others feel poorly about themselves. 
I’ll make comments about the way they look, about their behaviors, their importance to me, and so much more. 
I’ll make statements to feel superior when, in actuality, I’m cowering behind my unconfessed inadequacies.
Really, all I can do is to tell others in advance that I am sorry. I am so, so sorry. Truly. It’s all I can offer.

I am abrupt. I am rash. I fail to see the long-term picture.
I make conclusions about people immediately after meeting them.
I am constantly reevaluating my connections based on how they can best serve my needs.
I know that what I believe at any given moment to be right could feel completely wrong the next.  
It’s scary, and it’s unsafe to me and to others who choose to be near me.
In a bid to feel normal, I make poor decisions that result in each moment being worse than before. 

A self-identified unstable person trying to understand the world around her, the feelings of her own uncertainties crippling her mind.

Written in 2017

Copyright, The Poetry of Bryan Buser