A Promise

I owe it to you now
Because one day this will all change
I owe it to you today
While your happiness is still important
I owe it to you here
While your kisses induce quivers
And your touch brings shivers
Causing me to question why you picked me
Until one morning when we’ll wake up
And your smile and joy will no longer matter
It’s happened before
And although I challenge it
It will happen again
But this on a much grander scale
Due to time
Due to place
Due to situation
Due to you 
So please leave me first and do it today
Our visions are not unified
Self-doubt drives me to places I don’t want to be
Concealed assessments behind each purposeful word 
A series of deliberate thoughts to the verbal abuse you’ll receive
As I scrap to gain the upper hand
As I battle to hold control
As I use your ring as my weapon
And your wallet as my hostage
Causing you tears that you should never have to shed
Until your insecurity rivals mine
Bringing home flowers for forgiveness
Offering chocolate for compassion
Extending deceptive apologizes to allow me another chance
Until one day surrendered and never to return
A house to hide you in
But a home it will never be
Our world-class kitchen for fine southern meals
Receives underserved insults when dinners don’t satisfy.
Our built-in home gym designed to keep trim
And cold threats when you aren’t
I can offer you a lifetime of regret but nothing more
Required togetherness through the recent years
Enough forced acts to keep the charade of something more
To save face and front a false sense of joy
All the while rejecting your once devoted heart
Deriding you until your fight fades away
And you submit to my wishes and desires
And into a time and place too far to leave
An end to your freedom and anticipation for anything more
Love removed long before lust
But one day, removed all the same
My transgressions to the side protected by bad lies
Moving you to the back burner, but still on the stove
Our marriage presents itself perfectly when I need it to be
Hidden are my control and your submission
So leave me today and don’t ever look back
While your anguish still brings me tears
While your pleasure is still my chief concern
While my love remains my truth
While my pledges are not my deceptions
A worn-out doormat is something you should never be

A soon-to-be-married man is voicing in his head what he would like to be able to tell the woman he is about to marry. He's fallen out of love before, but the consequences have never been this significant. In the past, he has been able to move on with his life quickly and easily. But now he is older and wiser, and while he's making this final commitment, he's sure that his current feelings will not sustain for the rest of his life. He's sure his feelings will similarly change for this woman that his feelings have changed for every previous romantic woman in his life. Now that he is married, there will no longer be the opportunity to simply erase the relationship, as he has in the past. It is fear that as the years grow, so will his resentment. Though too cowardly to verbalize it, he wants his future bride not to look at who he is in the present moment but to peer into the man he will become in the future. If she can see the man he will become, she will undoubtedly leave him today and save herself from a life of misery.

Written in 2003

Copyright, The Poetry of Bryan Buser