If I Stay

If I stay, I fear that I will drag you further down into my anger-fueled life.
If I stay, I fear that I will blame you for the problems that dominate my days.
If I stay, I fear that I will grow to resent you for things beyond your control.
If I stay, I fear that I will put an unrealistic burden on you to fix all my problems.
If I stay, I fear that I will treat you in ways that a person should never have to experience.

This isn’t something I would have offered, but since you asked, this is what I need…
Tolerate that sometimes I need my space, respect that, rather than trying to pry your way inside.
Create suggestions of ways that you are capable and willing to help me rather than just asking me what I need.
Appreciate that when I push you away, that this has absolutely nothing to do with you.
Know I wouldn’t blame you if you briskly walked away from my mess and never looked back.

This isn’t something I would have offered, but since you asked, this is what I need…
Believe that this isn’t personal, that when I tell you that I don’t know how not to suffer, I am speaking the truth.
Understand that when you tell me I’m not making enough effort, it makes me feel even more defeated.
Realize that I use my coping skills each day in attempts to feel normal and that it hurts me when you suggest otherwise.
Know that I no longer know how to describe my feelings adequately, but this is much better than being sad all the time.

This isn’t something I would have offered, but since you asked, this is what I need…
Accept that I can be nearsighted, and I can be abrupt; that I can be selfish, and I can be mean. 
Acknowledge that my thoughts can so wholly consume my mind, I often won’t have the energy for anything else.
Respect that after a long day, I might crawl into bed for the night, fully aware that you are expecting to connect.
Know that I admire you for remaining by my side and that I have no idea how you are still here.
  
If I stay, I fear that I will abandon you find yourself in your own time of need.
If I stay, I fear that I will lack the ability to help shoulder your load.
If I stay, I fear that I will lack the want to help you through your own difficulties.
If I stay, I fear that I will hurt you with my blunt, brutal honesty.
If I stay, I fear that I will tell you that I don’t care for you in the way you care for me.

Stuck in your own head on whether you should remain in or exit from a relationship. Relying on past experiences to gauge future feelings. Believing that, for the sake of both of you, you should end things with this person, just as you’ve done with others before. But this situation feels slightly different than the previous ones. It’s keeping you present longer than you might have expected. It’s as if the other person is trying to understand you better. Rather than discarding them as you may have done before, you tell them directly what it is you need and also what you need from them. Perhaps it can be different. Perhaps it cannot. Perhaps the belief that you won’t be able to reciprocate will ultimately lead you away.

Written in 2021

Copyright, The Poetry of Bryan Buser