If I Stay

If I stay, I fear I will drag you further into my anger-fueled life.
If I stay, I fear I will blame you for the problems that dominate my days.
If I stay, I fear I will grow to resent you for things beyond your control.
If I stay, I fear I will put an unrealistic burden on you to fix all my problems.
If I stay, I fear I will treat you in ways no one should ever have to endure.

This isn’t something I would have offered, but since you asked, this is what I need…
Tolerate that sometimes I need my space, respect that, rather than trying to pry your way inside.
Create suggestions of ways that you are capable and willing to help me, rather than just asking me what I need.
Appreciate that when I push you away, and understand this rejection has absolutely nothing to do with you.
Know I wouldn’t blame you if you briskly walked away from my mess and never looked back.

This isn’t something I would have offered, but since you asked, this is what I need…
Believe that this isn’t personal; when I tell you I don’t know how not to suffer, I am speaking the truth.
Understand that when you tell me I’m not making enough effort, it makes me feel even more defeated.
Realize that I use my coping skills each day in my attempt to feel normal, and that it hurts me when you suggest otherwise.
Know that I no longer know how to adequately describe my feelings, but this is much better than being sad all the time.

This isn’t something I would have offered, but since you asked, this is what I need…
Accept that I can be nearsighted, and I can be abrupt; that I can be selfish, and I can be mean. 
Acknowledge that my thoughts can so wholly consume my mind that I often won’t have the energy for anything else.
Respect that after a long day, I might crawl into bed for the night, fully aware that you are expecting to connect.
Know that I admire you for remaining by my side and that I have no idea how you are still here.
  
If I stay, I fear I will abandon you in your own time of need.
If I stay, I fear I will be unable to help shoulder your load.
If I stay, I fear I will lose the desire to help you through your difficulties.
If I stay, I fear I will hurt you with my blunt, brutal honesty.
If I stay, I fear I will tell you that I don’t care for you in the way you care for me.

Stuck in your own head on whether you should remain in or exit from a relationship. Relying on past experiences to gauge future feelings. Believing that, for the sake of both of you, you should end things with this person, just as you’ve done with others before. But this situation feels slightly different than the previous ones. It’s keeping you present longer than you might have expected. It’s as if the other person is trying to understand you better. Rather than discarding them as you may have done before, you tell them directly what you need and what you need from them. Perhaps it can be different. Perhaps it cannot. Perhaps the belief that you won’t be able to reciprocate will ultimately lead you away.

Written in 2021

Copyright, The Poetry of Bryan Buser