If Not This
In the company of seemingly thousands, guests fronted with smiles so genuine
Laughter fills this room, and the conversations flow around me with ease
I look over both shoulders and wonder why I am forced to feel less
To my left, to my right, wondering why it is that I’m always that saddest one in the room
If not this, then that
If not here, then there
If not now, then later
Defeated and robbed, beaten until numb
Left as I am, a less selfish me
Coated with good-natured banter that clings to my outer shell
Delivered from acquaintances, friends, and strangers that I deem all to be liars
This impermeable skin keeps their words and untruths from touching within
Instead, I survey those around and wonder where the disappointment will strike from next
If not this, then that
If not here, then there
If not now, then later
Defeated and robbed, beaten until numb
Left as I am, a less selfish me
Battling myself to keep my chin from sinking towards my chest
Paining myself immensely as I try my hardest to meet these people eye to eye
Pretending as best as I can to show even the slightest bit of interest
Wishing the whole time for this attention to be turned towards somebody else
If not this, then that
If not here, then there
If not now, then later
Defeated and robbed, beaten until numb
Left as I am, a less selfish me
With nothing to offer or a desire to try, I look for my way out
Sliding off first to the side and then to the room’s back, my hand fumbles with the exit door
Believing I can long be gone before my disappearance is even the slightest bit noticed
A deep, heavy breath released as my eyes scan the crowd one final time
If not this, then that
If not here, then there
If not now, then later
Defeated and robbed, beaten until numb
Left as I am, a less selfish me
The drive out is long and windy; the dampness and coldness of the night add to its ambiance
I wonder aloud why I’m so incapable of forming or sustaining any meaningful relationships
I yearn for purpose or meaning, but hope has left me, and it’s just not coming back
And so I allow myself to deteriorate in this loneliness; I swallow myself whole with this emptiness
If not this, then that
If not here, then there
If not now, then later
Defeated and robbed, beaten until numb
Left as I am, a less selfish me
Returning to my space, tucked away from the external world that fails me
With a couple of pens and a ream of blank paper, for a brief moment, I’m suited just fine
I revisit a life of situations created and indulge myself with characters who I know completely
Restoring in myself an idea of acceptance, it’s these single instances that offer me comfort
If not this, then that
If not here, then there
If not now, then later
Defeated and robbed, beaten until numb
Left as I am, a less selfish me
Releasing these pent up frustrations, I write with unrestrained fury
Without restraint, I express my thoughts, pouring over each word
Into the late hours of the night, I write before shear fatigue begins to overwhelm me
Into the early hours of the morning, I write before pure exhaustion sets in
If not this, then that
If not here, then there
If not now, then later
Defeated and robbed, beaten until numb
Left as I am, a less selfish me
In this hole I could forever dwell, yet circumstances again force me out
These defined responsibilities and obligations rule my everyday life
Anguished and worn-out, I prepare myself again for the day ahead
Wondering, first in my head and then aloud, if this is as good as it’s going to get
If not this, then that
If not here, then there
If not now, then later
Defeated and robbed, beaten until numb
Left as I am, a less selfish me
With concealed eyes and a polluted heart, I perform my tasks with due diligence
While avoiding conversation and sidestepping confrontation at all costs
I stagger through the motions of what I suppose I should call a life
While praying more and more often that I’ll soon be taken away
If not this, then that
If not here, then there
If not now, then later
Defeated and robbed, beaten until numb
Left as I am, a less selfish me
When my eyes look lost, it’s because I feel plagued by my thoughts
When it appears as if I’m about to crumble, it’s because I’m so overcome with depression
When I fail to contribute, it’s because I’ve lost the desire to be part of anything more
When I fail to respond, it’s because I’m disinterested in attempting to even pretend
If not this, then that
If not here, then there
If not now, then later
Defeated and robbed, beaten until numb
Left as I am, a less selfish me
Isolated again with endless opportunities for these thoughts to creep back in
Saturated with uncertainty, flooded with absolute confusion
This haunting ambiguity once again exerts its force
Without resistance, I allow these doubts to strike me slowly and defeat me wholly
If not this, then that
If not here, then there
If not now, then later
Defeated and robbed, beaten until numb
Left as I am, a less selfish me
The depression is always right around the corner. It will never leave forever, no matter what you do.
Written in 2009
Copyright, The Poetry of Bryan Buser