The Big Fade

As the big fade nears, my eyes have long since started to wander.
With this excitement removed, it simply has become time to move on.
With this passion displaced, I have no substitute that will suffice.
With the chances of conquering lust passing me by, my feelings turn to ones of envy.
You are not what I want.
Not this…this is not for me. 

As the big fade presents itself, I’ve already started to surrender.
Thoughts of when have long since replaced these thoughts of if.
With endorphins no longer soaking my brain, I see you through a lens that previously failed to exist.
No longer do I find interest in trying to mend this loose connection.
Instead, I look elsewhere for opportunities to immerse myself in pleasures that no longer occur with you.
All too easily, our once meaningful moments run together and turn to thoughts I know I will soon forget.

Before the big fade, I made promises I intended to keep.
This time, it will be different. 
The changing relationship can still be for me.
Its growth and development is something I cannot wait to embrace. 
Promises I made to you...promises I made to myself.
Promises I intended to keep...promises I broke.

As the big fade arrives, I pull away, slowly at first and then much more decisively.
While this may seem unfair, I promise you that our conversations were always true.
My intentions were authentic; I never once tried to deceive.
With you, I have always been my most honest and sincere self.
But I have never been one to discredit these diminishing returns, and you have changed from my ideal.
There is a cruelty in how feelings so wonderful can be reduced to something so inconsequential so quickly.

As the big fade approaches, I do question why.
Why do I seem to be programmed so entirely differently from so many others?
Why are my feelings today entirely altered from how I felt just a short time ago?
Why is it that yesterday felt like the quintessential but how today that seems so far away?
Why are your concerns no longer mine or your burdens something I no longer I care to share?
Why is it suddenly so incredibly easy to let you walk away from me forever?

As the big fade sweeps over me, I do not feel powerless.
This change is something I could try to accept. 
This progression into something more emotional than physical in nature is what I should want to adapt. 
This retreat to the familiarity when the relationship morphs into something new should not be the norm.
A full life is not one stacked with cursory episodes of gratification sandwiched between endless bouts of loneliness.  
No one should have to go to sleep each night with an empty heart next to a basket of forgotten dreams.

When the big fade has passed, there will come a stretch of second guessing.
I’ll watch on with jealousy as someone else scoops you up, washes away your tears, and wins over your heart.
There will be memories that I’ll look back on with a genuine fondness and others that I’ll want to forget forever.
Why am I always forced to view this world through such a cloudy prism?
I will remember these periods of emptiness and make false promises to myself to stay off this path.

When you lose the physical infatuation that is present at the start of a new relationship but eventually goes away and is replaced by something else. Ideally, this is a deep, passionate, and loving love. But for others, it's just a lack of excitement.

Written in 2016

Copyright, The Poetry of Bryan Buser