An Inappropriate Infatuation

This guise I wear…rigid I am, unfazed, and strong to the core
Shading my eyes, concealing my inner thoughts, deceiving him and her, this and that
Pretending, I do, to those who matter, and, more importantly, to those who don’t
Trying and failing to cope until all that’s familiar is this nauseating pain
If they could read my mind, would I be ridiculed or chastised, perhaps banished forever?
Or, like with so many other lessons I’ve learned, is this just the unfortunate norm?
Circumstances unimagined and unwanted, but in this kind of life, there are no rules

In a situation less familiar, I was a man I better understood 
In a situation less familiar, circumstances found their way
In a situation less familiar, rightly, we made sense of it all
This situation more familiar, only I’m far wiser, and you’re much more impressionable 
This situation more familiar, new conclusions form from analysis without reason
This situation more familiar, I recognize and am terrified of how I’m starting to feel
Falling into this trap again, it’s time once again to wage war on myself

With a tantalizing combination of beauty, humor, and candidness, I’m drawn to you 
Hope without reason, questions without answers flood my tireless mind
Why am I meeting you now? Why here and like this?
Why have our paths crossed in this manner? Why at this point in time?
Feeling far beyond this chance, having missed my opportunity more than a lifetime ago
I drown myself with irrational thought patterns and illogical conclusions  
These intrusions uninvited, this is not what I want, yet I bury myself with guilt

Pretending to neglect our talks, like they don’t matter, almost failing to exist 
When in truth, each word you speak finds a place in my heart that I want to keep forever
Forcing myself to look away, needing for you to believe that you are the same
Scared to listen, scared to speak, scared to learn more, and fall even harder
Immersed by you, and you’ll never know, I’ve unknowingly rejected all that I’ve ever believed
And carry on with my duties that have me feeling like I’m a fraud
Comprehension continues to elude me, but I’ll deal with it in the ways I know how

These demons meet me halfway and tell me that it’s okay
I never realized how many of them there were
And where are those angels who try and steer me right?
They’ve become fewer and further in between
Trapped in a situation where I need them the most, they fail to show completely
Surrendering in fear to the temptations that no longer contradict themselves
With little resistance and deprived of support, I’m starting to slip away

Memories of a person held in such high regard; was it really so long ago?
Clearheaded and confident, true to a vision, loyal to a plan
Discovering someone like you, like this, was never even considered a factor
Allowing your fears and struggles to be of my concern should have never mattered
Allowing you to affect me so deeply was never something I imagined
Using my resources as opportunities to see you smile, my actions seemingly out of control
These innocent, good-natured acts have long since developed into something more

When you smile my way, I force my look away before I break down in tears
When you say goodbye, my heart sinks, already starting to miss you terribly 
My resources depleted, I search for the answers I know I’ll never find
There is so much I want to tell you and so many emotions I wish I could share
But without saying so much a word, I again watch you walk away
And return to a routine that I no longer feel worthy to perform
Doing the expected, earning praise, each attempt at honesty nothing more than a lie to myself

Attempts to rationalize matter little, getting me nowhere
This must be even more deplorable than I led myself to believe
When the most asked question isn’t why do I feel this way?
But rather, which is worse? Feeling the way I do or knowing nothing will come of it?
Allowing myself to continue with these dreams, deep regret soon to settle in
Stinging me, crippling my nerves in ways that I have never imagined
Chilling is this pain, unfair as it is, my bones have never lied

Pivoting around truths, sidestepping what the real issues seem to be
Diverting my eyes, averting you, disengaging myself as best I can...and failing miserably
Basing my actions and inactions solely upon consequences, rightly or wrongly so
What if we never got caught? What if we could do this in a way that would be accepted?
Trying to convince myself that this is okay, that this could work
Before converging on simple truths, I will suffer regardless of any actions I do or don’t take
Having long since forgotten right from wrong, if not aloud, most certainly to myself

Going through the motions, I’m unable to separate myself and instead allow us to grow closer
Living outside of any restrictions that have long since mattered
Each day is such a struggle; I swear my intentions were always whole
Needing doctor prescribed medications to get me through the day
And relying on self-prescribed sedatives to help me sleep at night
While developing these comfortless habits that make me ill
All the while praying that these unwanted feelings will leave so that I can live and rest peacefully 

Yet another poem about falling for another person that you shouldn't be falling for. We've all seen it happen many, many times. It's probably even happened to most of us. It's how we react and deal with these feelings that tell the real story. Some of us surrender to the feelings. Some of us are able to fight past these feelings. Some of us deny our feelings and suffer through the misery. Some of us eventually move past these feelings successfully while some of us do not.

Written in 2007

Copyright, The Poetry of Bryan Buser