Blackout

I used to believe that I could be an astronaut or an architect, maybe a doctor, maybe a lawyer
I used to say that I couldn't wait to experience the joys and the heartbreaks, the anticipations and the fears
I used to soar with the ups, tumble with the downs, and ride the ebbs and the flows of life for all it was worth
I once believed that to achieve the highest degree of fulfillment you had to first experience the greatest degree of heartache
I used to believe that i deserved your cheers and your tears, your cares and your prayers
I used to believe that i had purpose and that I was a man of desire
I used to believe that i was important and needed by others
I used to believe 
I used to believe

Now I want to be only a drug addict
Now I want only to rid myself of this pain
I want these nightmares to torment me no longer
I want to not feel the sadness that has defined my life
I want these headaches to end and this heartache to cease
I want the bleeding to stop and the voices to leave 
I want this artificially created, euphoric sensation to replace my every waking minute and every empty moment

Blackout …I want to lose myself in this moment
Blackout …I want to forever forget who I am 
Blackout …I'm tired of trying to forgive myself
Blackout …I want to hate you for hurting me so badly
Blackout …I can't front this smile any longer

Now I want to be only a drug addict
I want to be so far removed from reality that there's nothing anyone could do or say that would hurt me
I want others to refer to me as unreliable, meek, and despondent 
I want to be forgotten even more than I want to forget
I want to experience compulsion, numbness, irresponsibility, and callousness
I want to be so doped out of mind that I eventually pass out wherever i might be or whatever I might be doing
I want to obtain the highest degrees of disarray and hysteria regardless of the consequences 

Blackout …I want to lose myself in this moment
Blackout …I want to forever forget who i am 
Blackout …I'm tired of trying to forgive myself
Blackout …I want to hate you for hurting me so badly
Blackout …I can't front this smile any longer

Now I want to be only a drug addict
I want my acquaintances to be addicts, but I don't want to call these people my friends
I want them to provide drugs and to share drugs with them, but I want to have no emotional ties
I want them to regret their decisions as I do, but, like me, have the inability to say no
If they die from an overdose or end up in the emergency room because of a bad trip I want to not care
If they battle their demons head on and get clean, I don't want to be happy for them
If they battle their demons head on and get clean, I don't want to even know about it

Blackout …I want to lose myself in this moment
Blackout …I want to forever forget who I am 
Blackout …I'm tired of trying to forgive myself
Blackout …I want to hate you for hurting me so badly
Blackout …I can't front this smile any longer

Now I want to be only a drug addict
I want the chills to cover my body, causing goose bumps to erupt all over my skin
I want to feel the cramps, the chills, the diarrhea, the nausea, and the insomnia
I want the hallucinations to creep in and the delirium to cause a confusion never known
I want to feel the desperation an addict feels when that high begins to fade 
I want to teeter on the brink of despair before filling myself again, mind, body, and spirit back to euphoric levels 
I want to beg to feel, for just a little bit longer, a little bit more of heaven before I come crashing back to hell

Blackout …I want to lose myself in this moment
Blackout …I want to forever forget who I am 
Blackout …I'm tired of trying to forgive myself
Blackout …I want to hate you for hurting me so badly
Blackout …I can't front this smile any longer

Now I want to be only a drug addict
I want the withdrawal to be horrific, ruthless, and unimaginably painful
I want it to strip me of my job, my dignity, my self-worth, and everything else that I've worked to achieve
I want it to rob me of my personal wealth and my worldly possessions 
I want it to pillage me of any and all natural human emotion 
I want the poison to fill my veins and my body to convulse before releasing all of this tension and all of this hate
And when that time comes when it's finally done with me, I want it to leave me for dead 

I used to believe that my life would work itself out in the end, no matter how difficult the temporary setbacks might be
I used to assume that I could make it through the difficult times unscathed based on the strength of my faith
I used to think that a cloudless mind, a clear conscious, and an open heart would carry me throughout my life
I used to have the ability to relieve myself of my misgivings and forgive myself for my misdeeds
I used to be able to admit to my failures, learn from my mistakes, and move forward
I used to believe that I had purpose and that I was a man of desire
I used to believe that I was important and needed by others
I used to believe 
I used to believe

This is about fallen hopes and surrendered dreams. It's about living a life that you never could have imagined living. It's about the constant setbacks that knock you down so hard and so often that it makes you lose the will and fight to get up. It's about finding an escape that allows you to forget about the problems that consume your life. It's about giving up. It's about the misery of an artificial companion.

Written in 2011

Copyright, The Poetry of Bryan Buser