My Apology
When I knew you were patiently waiting, I should have made you sit forever
When I knew you were there, watching me, I should have kept my head buried
When I knew you were anticipating a response, I should have averted my eyes
When you were near, I should have been somewhere, anywhere else
Before each new conversation drew us closer, I should have pushed myself away
Before I ever offered an ear or lent a hand, I should have thought about what I was allowing
Before our shoulders rubbed or our ankles brushed, I should have considered the consequences
Before our bodies embraced or our lips touched, I should have removed myself from the situation
I can’t be that for you…but you’ve drawn me in
I can’t give you this…but you’ve got me trying
I should turn and walk away …but you seem so vulnerable
I should ask you to leave…but I want so much more
Though I should have resisted the desires, I continued to offer a gentle smile
Though I should have withdrawn myself entirely, I allowed us to further grow close
Though I should have thought more clearly, my mind was cluttered with false notions
When you were near I should have been somewhere, anywhere else
Rather than suggesting resources, I wanted you to rely only on me
Rather than offering the assistance of others, I longed to be the one which you needed
Rather than providing alternatives, I needed to be the one who earned your praise
Rather than encouraging you to go elsewhere, I had to be the only one who garnered your love
I can’t be that for you…but you’ve drawn me in
I can’t give you this…but you’ve got me trying
I should turn and walk away …but you seem so vulnerable
I should ask you to leave…but I want so much more
Fooling you into thinking that this might be something more than it is
My eyes confirming instead that this might be nothing more than imprudent lust
Tricked were my ears into believing only those words that I allowed them to hear
My mind taking me to places that I was ill-prepared to go
Catapulting myself into your heart with such little effort, my methods long since perfected
Understanding your needs and hopes, having secured your trust
Allowing you to see clearly only the sides of me which I choose to offer
Presenting to you actions and words that allowed you to feel safe
I can’t be that for you…but you’ve drawn me in
I can’t give you this…but you’ve got me trying
I should turn and walk away …but you seem so vulnerable
I should ask you to leave…but I want so much more
With newfound excitement, I welcome each day but despise it just the same
With newfound excitement, I’m discreet yet defiant; I’m cautious yet fearless
With newfound excitement, alarmed by these actions yet to take
With newfound excitement, well-acquainted with the dangers I’m choosing to encounter
When I knew you were patiently waiting, I should have made you sit forever
When I knew you were there, watching me, I should have kept my head buried
When I knew you were anticipating a response, I should have averted my eyes
When you were near, I should have been somewhere, anywhere else
One of my many poems about knowing the difference between right and wrong yet still choosing to do wrong. Regretting the decision only after the fact, but unable to fight the moment. There are many different situations that the speaker could find himself/herself in. I feel like my writing is at its best when different readers can read the poem and interpret it differently. In the case of this poem, I can rifle off three or four different types of situations where an "apology" like this my be appropriate. In each scenario, it is the speaker who controls his/her own fate, but doesn't have the willpower to resist the temptation. And by the speaker's tone and heartfelt honesty, it is apparent he/she truly is apologetic and wishes he/she had that ability to make better decisions.
Written in 2009
Copyright, The Poetry of Bryan Buser