The Big Reveal

Hidden behind the anonymity of this engagement where I can be anybody I want to be.
Disguised as a moment of significance where you can be anything I need you to be.
Tonight, nothing is off-limits; I’ll state, in no misconceived terms, precisely what I want and how I want it.
Where nothing is too vulgar, demeaning, or degrading; where the codes of decency are forgotten.

Angelic and sublime, facial features so delicate and refined that I feel like I’m in the presence of a goddess. 
A flawlessly toned body that is able and willing to do anything I ask is all that is required.
Each of these excursions is a different form of perfection, expecting my arrival behind a heavy-locked door.
While life brings other instances of euphoria, there is no replacement for the exhilaration of the big reveal.

But tomorrow, I’ll wake with paralyzing remorse and an undeniable amount of self-hate.
I’ve done it again. Even when I promised myself I would not, I’ve gone out and done it again.
This was not how I was raised; what would my mother say about the man I’ve become?
What sort of shame would I bring upon those who have put their trust in me?

Hopelessness saturates me. Distrust precludes me. Peace eludes me. 
Is this alarming or simply alluring? I’ve lost the ability to differentiate between the two.
These lies have removed me from any meaningful relationships that I’ve ever had or ever will have again.
These secrets have destroyed me; I’m as distant from the man I want to be as I have ever been.

The locations of these indiscretions, brothels masquerading themselves as high-end hotels, are all too familiar.
Pacing the four-star hotel lobby frantically, glancing at my phone every 15 seconds, awaiting final confirmation. 
This tireless mind, occupied by the fascination of the next encounter; become more and more a driving force in my life.
Racing to the elevator, my heartbeat elevated; nothing compares to the anticipation of this revelation.

Tapping gingerly on the door and hearing the soft shuffles on the other side, the unveiling cannot come soon enough.    
Final preparations on her end, and a few deep breaths on mine, before the door magically opens.
With an invitation to enter, I meet tonight’s flavor; this never-ending cycle repeats itself all over again.
While life brings other instances of euphoria, there is no replacement for the exhilaration of the big reveal.

But the emptiness I will feel tomorrow is nothing compared to the ostracism I know I will one day receive.
The invitations I merely choose to ignore now will be eliminated from my life completely.
The shame and regret for these misdeeds will send me spiraling into irrevocable oblivion.
While it is something from which I will never recover, at least I will no longer be jailed by these jarring lies.

Hopelessness pervades me. Desperation impedes me. Peace eludes me. 
I am helpless against these intrusions; I am powerless in resisting these invitations.
In this constant struggle to conquer it all, I have abandoned the feelings of true joy.
With this ever-present need to fill this bottomless void, I have misdirected all forms of decency.   

In this adult playground, taboo desires amplify my mind’s desire for increased pleasure and fulfillment.
Feeling drunk over the invitation to trace my fingers along your body, this elation is pure intoxication. 
Here, my carnal lusts arrive at the forefront; this a spot to live out my darkest, most perverse fantasies. 
Here, wishes become commands, and a commoner like me becomes a world king.

The exploration of hands and tongues leads to something deeper and more erotic with each passing minute.
The sensation is to produce something beyond the regular, approaching the distasteful, and maybe even the barbaric. 
When I leave this house of pleasures, I will do so with a boosted ego and a bank of new memories.
While life brings other instances of euphoria, there is no replacement for the exhilaration of the big reveal.

But these temptations that once served as mere lures have taken me to places from which I will never return.
Refusing to hurt, I hide from all those who matter and engage instead in these one-sided relationships.
The secrets, the lies, and the deceit I now offer are the most accurate form of self that I now know.
These lines between decency and crudity have forever been blurred.

For those who still yearn to know me, who believe there is something good left in me, I apologize in advance.
For those who still wish to explore something special with me, I’m afraid there is nothing for me to give.
For those who believe I can still return from this beaten path, I regret that I am just too far gone.
For those who might wish to build a foundation with me, I confess that this is now impossible. 

When your sins run so deep that you believe you cannot be redeemed.

Written in 2017

Copyright, The Poetry of Bryan Buser