The Big Temptation

Envisioning this encounter, like so many others, has my heart racing to levels, once unimaginable, beyond my control.
Visualizing her unseen delicate facial features flawlessly applied for me during, this, my time of need.
Anticipating the euphoria I’m about to be filled with, yet wishing for the courage to immediately turn around and leave.
Knowing it is just seconds before an indescribable mix of exuberance, elation, regret, and self-hate fills me.

How could I ever explain past transgressions to you, a woman who will matter to me in ways in which I’ve only ever dreamed?
Will I surrender these past misdeeds in conversation, or will I swallow this up and forever carry all of this guilt alone?
Will this regrettable past sin catch up with me and destroy the future I will be trying so earnestly to build with you?
Will I ever be able to harness my desires when my sexual needs and wants have escalated so far beyond my control?

It is these hours before, the ones where I feel so low for reasons unknown that push me to explore these dark temptations.
It is these hours afterward when contemplation overwhelms me, and I try to rationalize the parts of me that I hate the most.
Where each self-imposed question of ‘why’ is rebutted with an uncoerced ‘why not?’
How each new experience fuels further need for the ubiquitous, but also has me yearning for the unique and explicit.

How could I have I unknowingly taken away this beautiful life experience by resorting to something so meaningless?
Have I forsaken all future moments of real intimacy for this momentary satisfaction, for this temporary relief?
Have I allowed this loneliness, sadness, and isolation that first pushed me into this world to now swallow me whole?
Have I made it so that this once untraveled trail is no longer just a diversion but instead my life’s path? 

Envisioning this next encounter feeds my hungry mind but lacerates my heart, and I am hapless its power. 
The lust for the foreign and the craving for the unknown has become an immense part of the man I’ve become.
These newly discovered found animalistic tendencies I believe have taken me to a place from which I may never return.
It is in these places where rules are ignored, and human decency fail to apply that I have come to feel most comfortable. 

How could I have imagined that I would have entertained these intrusive thoughts and granted my most deviant of wishes? 
Has the immediacy of the moment or the intoxication of what’s next overwhelmed any rational decision I might otherwise make?
Has the incessant need for instant gratification destroyed the civility a man should always offer a woman?  
Has this the thrill of the fantasy superseded the mundane of reality to the point where my thought pattern is forever blurred?