This Is What It Feels Like

This Is What It Feels Like…
It feels like being mute, like when I’m the only one who knows the right answer but still can’t force myself to say a single word. 
It feels like unfamiliarity with the day to day activities, the ones I’ve done thousands of times, but still feel so foreign to me.
It feels like being stuck in a harrowing memory, unable to disengage myself from the claws of terror.

But it feels much stronger than that.
It feels like pervasive doubt that no matter what I do that I will never be able to accept myself or allow others to receive me. 
It feels like a comparison to others in ways that make me feel less than exceptional, less than unique, less than. 
It feels like being devalued by persons who I don’t even know, who are unfairly judging me. 

These thoughts aren’t novel and these beliefs not new, but their rawness, intensity, and panic are stronger than ever before. 

This Is What It Feels Like…
It feels like being covered in darkness so thick and heavy that too effortlessly drapes me and prevents me from even shifting. 
It feels like hallucinations awaiting me at bedtime, readying to control my mind until sleep eventually overwhelms. 
It feels like nightmares that I can’t escape from no matter how loudly I try to scream or how violently I try to shake myself awake.

But it feels much stronger than that.
It feels like those who I’m closest with will up and turn on me at any given point, offering me little to no explanation at all.
 It feels like constant rejection, with each rebuked attempt repeatedly examined, reminding me that I’m just not good enough. 
It feels like intimate insecurity, the everyday worry that tries to convince me that this is exactly the right time to leave you. 

These thoughts aren’t novel and these beliefs not new, but their rawness, intensity, and panic are stronger than ever before.