Forever Recognizable, Forever Me

Deprived of the ability to truly understand
myself or to gauge my emotions
Lacking the resources to recognize how
I might feel at any given time
To wonder if today will be a day that will
find me strong-spirited, willing to fight
Or if it will be a day that I will allow myself
to crumble, fall, and want to die

Feeling ready to take on the world one moment,
but so incredibly hollow just seconds later
Unprepared to deal with the lows that I know these always present situations will certainly bring
Hampered to no end by this guilt-ridden conscience,
I feel less deserving than I’ve ever dreamt
To throw this body to the curb, away from
the world goes this wreck of a person

Sensing these past betrayals once again assembling, readying themselves to inflict their pain
Overwhelmed with blame and fault, whether intentional or not, my mind is a muddled mess
A prison of terror is what I lock myself into
and do what I can to throw out the key
On some days, it even becomes a losing battle to
even attempt to raise my head from this pillow

To my family, my therapists, and my medications,
I truly appreciate your heartfelt attempts
But beyond my ability is anticipating whether or
not this will be a day I choose to wish away
This sadness feels chronic, doomed I feel to
repeat these processes over and over again
Cowering in a corner or hiding away from the
world is often all I know what to do

I see it in your eyes, both the sheer disappointment and resentment for time forever lost
I see it in the eyes of everyone I encounter and refuse
to experience emotion again
Remembering the whirlwind of emotions, the ups,
the downs, those gains, and those losses
Remembering the hell of it all when, without permission, it all walked away

Having tried this and that, anything and everything, but true happiness will forever elude me
Knowing this was not the life I wanted, but accepting that this was the one that was destined for me
Translating today’s futilities and resulting anguishes into lessons learned
Increasing my chances that tomorrow will result in something better than what I have today