Footprints Recognized
The sunrise still brightens the neighborhood
It’s just that I sleep through it
The birds still chirp each morning happily
It’s just that I choose to keep my windows shut
The paper still arrives each morning at dawn
It just now accumulates atop of previous editions
The front yard grass still yields dew each dawn
It’s just that each blade of grass is longer and browner than ever before
This is not the time
I know what I lost
This is not the time
I’ve disappeared down this path before
Escaping through this medication, I drift into each night
While trying to convince myself that this will become easier
A dream of what was closes out each day
This cycle, however realistic, is one I may never break free from
Still greeted by those with whom I’m familiar
Only now it feels like they’re just being polite
Still, I put forth an effort like my existence can matter
Only now each new day raises doubt after doubt after doubt
Still, I converse and surround myself with the company of others
Only it seems like I’ve never been this alone
Still, I present a front like everything is just fine
Only everything is not fine, and I fear it won’t ever be again
Begging for forgiveness
I know what I lost
Praying for another chance
The places that I’m heading seem all too familiar
Escaping through this medication, I drift into each night
While trying to convince myself that this will become easier
A dream of what was closes out each day
This cycle, however realistic, is one I may never break free from
This is a tough poem to read because it's all too familiar. It's about an all too familiar, debilitating case of depression. The speaker has gone through numerous battles with the disease. He's fought his way out of the grips of the disease before, but no matter what he does or how he tries to live his life, he knows that at any moment, things can take a turn for the worse, and he's right back where he started. He hates it, it scares him to death, and he believes it's not fair. Yet, there isn't much he can do other than succumbing to it or fighting his way through it. Life will go on even when you would rather pause it or escape from it completely. Regardless, the speaker feels it coming on strong and knows that he's in for another battle in this lifelong war.
Written in 2006
Copyright, The Poetry of Bryan Buser