If I Knew How

If I knew how to say the right words, I would do my best to speak them. I assure you I would. 
If I had the tools to best help rectify our situation, I would do my best to fix it. I promise you I would.
If I had the remedy that could bring you inner peace, I would go about creating it. I swear to you I would.
But lacking these skills and abilities, I revert to previous ways; ways that have failed us both.
I am nothing more than a broken man who has been profoundly wounded and feels forever vulnerable.

If I knew how to read your mind, I would do my best to free you from this unknown. I assure you I would.
If I could reach into my heart and share with you my most intimate thoughts, I promise you I would.
If I could erase your confusion by showing you more of what I want and need, I swear to you I would. 
But if I ever had those skills, I certainly don’t possess them anymore, nor do I know where to locate them.
I am nothing more than a broken man who has been profoundly wounded and feels forever vulnerable.

When situations of uncertainty arise, I quickly retreat to my familiar, isolated, hardened shell.
An instant dread of my surroundings forms and becomes the base of my reality. 
I become fearful of others…of what they might do or what they might say; I grant them all far too much power.
Each passing moment brings unease in my mind, restlessness in my heart, and an immediate need to escape.

If I knew how to provide a shoulder for you to cry on, I would offer it to you. I assure you I would.
If I could keep the weight of your world from crashing down, I would bear that load. I promise you I would.
If I could stop not be hurt by the truths that rule your heart, I’d rid myself of emotion. I swear to you I would.
But I do not know how not to be pained by the brutal honesty of your soul; its harshness is crushing.
I am nothing more than a broken man who has been profoundly wounded and feels forever vulnerable.

If I knew how to forgive your deepest confessions, I would do my best to offer grace. I assure you I would. 
If I had the gift of freeing myself from the self-imposed anguish that your apology brings, I promise you I would.
If I could exonerate and start anew, I would release these restraints. I swear to you I would.
But I am stuck in a loop of self-denial, one that won’t allow for the acquittal of the wrongs inflicted on me. 
I am nothing more than a broken man who has been profoundly wounded and feels forever vulnerable.

When situations of uncertainty arise, I quickly retreat to my familiar, isolated, hardened shell.
An instant dread of my surroundings forms and becomes the base of my reality. 
I become fearful of others…of what they might do or what they might say; I grant them all far too much power.
Each passing moment brings unease in my mind, restlessness in my heart, and an immediate need to escape. 

This was a diificult poem to write. It's about wanting to be there for someone you love deeply, but knowing that this person who is too difficult to love due to your own set of skills and because of the own stuff that is going on in your head, including your inability to internalize.

Written in 2018

Copyright, The Poetry of Bryan Buser