Quell

Please help suppress this itch without completely quenching this thirst.
Please help me to rise above the pain that I refer to as today.
Rid me of useless thought. Rid me of unwanted desire. Rid me of unneeded anger. Rid me of this pain.

There leaves my love, passing me by, without either my consent or my objection.
Breathlessly I sat then, watching in awe as this alluring woman once entered so miraculously into my life. 
Breathlessly I sit now, watching in awe as this captivating woman so effortlessly chooses to exit from it.
There goes my love. Here she once was, but now she is gone.

II have these unwanted thoughts of “why” accumulating in my mind like a pile of debris, muddling it unfairly.
I drift aimlessly, with a move left to make, wondering when, where, and how this agony will strike me next. 
Forgetting what it feels like to dream, I’m as confused and as scared as I ever have been.
And when this pondering departs, it is the self-loathing hatred that fills its void.

The young show their want, their hope, and their most authentic selves. 
The young we shelter from society’s worst for as long as is humanly possible. 
Shielding them, we do, as best we can, before their voices start to invade and before their jealousies start to burn.
Shielding them, we do, as best as we can before their feelings of self-doubt and worthlessness begin to creep in. 

Quell it. Quell it. Quell it.
Please help quell this itch without completely quenching this thirst.
Please help me to rise above the pain that I refer to as today.
This is another lost battle in a war that no longer feels like it’s worth fighting.

Once again on her doorsteps but lacking the wits to offer an honest attempt.
Back to her front porch, but I have either lost my voice or completely forgotten how to speak.
Lacking the confidence to show her any affection, the fear of rejection completely paralyzes me.
Always doubting my worth as a person of value, there is no feeling worse than that of false pride.

These daily reminders and minute-by-minute frustrations block my vision.
A horizon cluttered with a nearly impassable amount of debris is all that stands in the way of my happiness.
But until then, all that remains is a lifetime of misery, inadequacy, insubstantiality, and insignificance.
And when this frustration is released, this self-loathing hatred replaces it all.

The young who stand before me need nothing more than a simple set of reassurances.
The young, still impressionable, still hopeful, still full of want, yet I turn them all away.
My glimpse of life is through a lens that blocks out optimism but is still full of opportunity.
Knowing how I’ll unduly educate you, I have instead knowingly excused myself from this equation.

Quell it. Quell it. Quell it.
Please help quell this itch without completely quenching this thirst.
Please help me to rise above the pain that I refer to as today.
For the love of my life might be waiting just around the corner, and I aim to be prepared.

However, there is so much more behind these darting amber eyes.
However, there is a force in power here that is far beyond anything that I can control.
However, there is a fixation that has driven me towards this constant madness and infinite sadness. 
However, there is a fascination that has driven me, I fear, towards an irreversible descent.

A horizon cluttered with insurmountable debris, I’m far past my ability to get around any of it.
Refusing to engage, denying conversations, retreating to the solitude that eliminates the noise.
Retreating to the solitude that eliminates the opportunities for disappointment.
Retreating to the solitude that effectively eliminates all that is me.

The young have questions rattling their curious minds, but it’s time to disengage myself from these conversations.
Their positivity, their hopefulness, and their zest for life have become increasingly hard to witness.
There is raging firer inside that is never more than surface deep and can be triggered by just a single word.
The slightest flick of a switch can cause this deceptively composed man to go bursting up in flames.