Veronica

When pulling her out of bed is your only option for fear that she won’t do it on her own.
When she begs you for five more minutes of sleep that quickly turn into ten.
When she pulls the covers over her head, unwilling to meet the sunlight peering through her blinds.
Regardless of how quickly she hustles now, there’s no viable chance that she’ll get to work on time.

When she pulls from her disheveled closet the first outfit she sees and puts it on without her morning shower. 
When even straightening her hair, brushing her teeth, or washing her face her face requires too much energy.
When there is no joy in any part of her morning routine, but rather just an act of going through the motions. 
With her makeup bag in hand, the application of being presentable begins minutes before her first meeting of the day.

When she grabs the hot breakfast from the palm of your hand as she’s walking out the door without so much as a thank you.
When there is no hug or quick kiss, but simply a quick turn and an “I’ll talk to you later” parting of the ways.
When you feel so sad for her but know that there is nothing you can do in that moment that will help her feel better.  
Dragging her feet down the steps of her apartment, despondent, morose, and terrified of facing the day ahead. 

This is the same woman you met on the street just months ago; the one who won you ever within a matter of minutes.
This is the same woman who you became conjoined at the hip with after your first date.
This is the same woman with who you could tune out the noise with and experience some of life’s best offerings.
This is the same woman with who you shared so many late nights conversing with, praying with, and sleeping next to. 
This is the same woman who you fell in love with faster than you had ever fallen in love with someone before.   
This woman who you loved so much during those good times is the woman who needs you now during the bad.
“I’ll never judge. I’ll help in the ways that you need me to. You matter to me. I love you.”

Unknowingly mistaking her euphoria of the moment as controlled joy; what you saw and heard made you smile.
All too soon you learned that even the simplest of daily tasks were often too much for her to bear.
Growing closer and learning more about her daily battles, more than ever, you wanted to stand by her side.
Her bipolar disorder was not like anything you’d ever seen, but you loved her just the same. 

The days when her thoughts were completely irrational and out of order were ones you could handle.
The days when she looks at you and can hardly recognize your face were ones you were willing to work through.
Listening to her when she was bothered or upset, knowing that this was and would always be a part of who she was.
Sitting and holding her in silence when sadness overwhelmed her for however long it took for her to regain her composure. 

Understanding that the constant thoughts rampaging through her head consumed her to the point exhaustion.
Knowing her number one defense was to disappear from the pain by sleeping entire days away at a time.
Acknowledging her grief when she is unable to reach her goals because of how much energy it zaps from her body.
Recognizing when she is unable to focus clearly and how she feels that every move she makes is wrong.

This is the same woman you met on the street just months ago; the one who won you ever within a matter of minutes.
This is the same woman who you became conjoined at the hip with after your first date.
This is the same woman with who you could tune out the noise with and experience some of life’s best offerings.
This is the same woman with who you shared so many late nights conversing with, praying with, and sleeping next to. 
This is the same woman who you fell in love with faster than you had ever fallen in love with someone before.   
This woman who you loved so much during those good times is the woman who needs you now during the bad.
“I’ll never judge. I’ll help in the ways that you need me to. You matter to me. I love you.”

When getting out of the bed just to move to the couch takes more energy than most people could ever comprehend.
When having to go through the basics of an everyday life brings an indescribable amount of dread.
When every forced interaction that she’ll be required to partake in leaves her both emotionally and mentally drained.
But as you tell her during the mania, despair, and all in between, a trying life with her is better than any life without her in it.

The days when you ask if she wants to talk about and an hour-long conversation on just how difficult life is ensues.
Or the days when she quickly dismisses the same question, simply being told it’s not something that she wants to discuss.
Or the times when her rehearsed responses are even more terse, crafted with the specific intent to hurt you.
It feels cruel, but you’ve worked so hard to not take personally; the love you feel for her is far bigger than her illness.

You know which smiles are real and which ones are fake and the fake ones too often rule her life.
Supporting her therapy sessions and encouraging her to take her medication when she wants to abandon both.
You recognize those days when she feigns her excitement for life because, quite simply, she’d rather be alone.
You promised her that you’d be there with her every step of the way, your love for her is truly unconditional.

Being there for the one who matters the most to you on her good days and bad days; though she goes through periods of extreme highs and extreme lows, you love the person she is and are willing to make sacrifices for her and for the relationship. Though not easy, you love her and won't let her go.

Written in 2017

Copyright, The Poetry of Bryan Buser