#78

Understanding that our looks are more than innocent glances
Not looking away when I know I should
Understanding that our conversations are outside the norm
Not pushing back when you inch closer towards to me
Showing I care in times when I know I should not
Lending support in ways that I’ve never done
And learning about you in ways that will soon cause me pain
These lifetimes come between us, and there are words I cannot say
So come will the day when we’ll say goodbye and forever walk away

This time, I know, my world would turn upside down
This time, I know, these thoughts I must keep my own
This time, I know, these feelings I will forever hide
This time I know how unbelievably difficult this is going to be 
This time I know, I will torture myself in ways all too familiar 
This time I know what I must do, I must say good-bye

Seeing a side of you that ceased to exist, happy one moment but so sad the next
Hyper and excited about such things that used never to cause a stir
Irregular visits, questions about nothing, and efforts that yearn for praise
Minutes later, a jealous, puzzled girl acting out as a means to cope
Listening to you be mean and knowing that I’m the one at fault
Adjusting to the situation, nodding, and saying not a word
Despising myself for contributing to the situation when I should know better
Understanding your confusion, your hurt, but how can I even begin to apologize? 
When I really want you to know that I care for you so much that it brings tears to my eyes

This time, I know, my world would turn upside down
This time, I know, these thoughts I must keep my own
This time, I know, these feelings I will forever hide
This time I know how unbelievably difficult this is going to be 
This time I know, I will torture myself in ways all too familiar 
This time I know what I must do, I must say good-bye

Falling into a familiar situation which you know to be wrong, but at the same time not being able to exhibit the self-control needed to deal with the situation rationally. Understanding that it was wrong the previous time you found yourself in the situation, but feeling lucky that you were able to get through the situation unscathed. This is an opportunity to prove what you have told yourself, that you have, in fact. learned from the previous situation. And understanding you are giving up on guaranteed short-term bliss to either 1) save yourself or 2) protect the feelings of a person you know you will end up hurting is the right thing to do, regardless of how hard it is to do.

Written in 2007

Copyright, The Poetry of Bryan Buser