Depression In Love

 No one will ever love you until you learn to love yourself is a phrase that’s been beaten in my head throughout my life.
But what if I have never learned to love myself and don’t think I ever will? 
What if I’ve exhausted all of my resources and still I cannot find a reason to care?
Does this mean I am not deserving of love? Does this mean I should never try to find someone who cares?

My past has been dark, my present continues to be dark, and my future may forever be dark.
Surviving…on and off medication, some prescribed and others self-diagnosed.
Enduring…in and out of therapy, some on a volunteer basis and some mandated.
But as has been beaten into my head, no one will ever love me until I learn to love myself.

Sometimes I get so low that I don’t know how I’m even going to make it through the day. 
Sometimes I cry for no reason, and it has nothing to do with you.
Sometimes I’m irritable and irrational; I allow even the slightest annoyance to set me off. 
Sometimes the wrong nudge can bring uncontrollable emotional pain at the most inopportune of times.

But then I met you…gentle, kind, compassionate, non-judgmental, loving you.
Suddenly I was being showered with words of appreciation, affectionate gestures, and comfort previously not known.
Before I could say no, you were enchanting me in ways that I had never been charmed before.
There you were, inserting yourself into my life, refusing to retreat even when I began trying to push you away.

How can I truly express to you my feelings of gratitude when I feel like I’m falling completely apart?
You are always there extending a hand or offering a shoulder, and I don’t know how even to say thank you.
You keep me present when I want to retreat into the chilling comforts of my isolation. 
You have helped show me that I have a purpose even on the days when I feel completely hopeless.

The truth is I suffer from constant bouts of often uncontrollable depression.
I never truly know when it’s going to hit or how each episode will affect me differently than the last.
But I am so incredibly grateful that you have chosen to be here standing beside me.
I want you to know how lucky I am to be loved even as I’m struggling to chase the chaos out of my head.

I spend so much time alone worrying that I’m going to push you away with my messiness.
I worry that the volatility of my emotions will eventually become too much for you to handle.
I fear that the next time I arrive unannounced at your door, teary-eyed from another fight with my mind, will be the last.
I worry that my expectations for you will become too unrealistic; that I’ll unfairly rely on you to fix all of my problems.

So many mornings I wake up for work and don’t even know if I have what it takes to even get out of bed.
This cloudy vision and blurred reasoning that accompanies my delusions often clash with my true realities.
Each day presents a fair share of struggles, some of which I know but many of which I do not. 
I struggle to meet the demands of a world that seems like it wants so much from me.

Sometimes I don’t know if I can even truly appreciate everything that you provide so easily to me.
Sometimes I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to give back the love you offer so graciously.
Sometimes I get it in my head that I’m not good enough no matter what it is that you say that tells me differently.
Sometimes I just need to be held even when you spent the entire previous night doing just that.

No one will ever love you until you learn to love yourself has forever been ingrained in me.
So when you show me you care time and time again, I cannot help but doubt and question all that you are. 
You love so genuinely and generously, and you give so effortlessly and freely while I tremble in self-doubt. 
You deserve so much more than what I believe that I will ever be able to give.

Often I’m overcome with crippling doubt about myself and my future…this is my life; this will not change. 
I will question you time and time again why it is that you choose to be with me; this will not change.
My compulsive thoughts will overwhelm me, and I will need repeated reassurances; this will not change.  
My anxiety will frequently get the best of me and cause me to challenge everything; this will not change.

The truth is I suffer from constant bouts of often uncontrollable depression.
I never truly know when it’s going to hit or how each episode will affect me differently than the last.
But I am so incredibly grateful that you have chosen to be here standing beside me.
I want you to know how lucky I am to be loved even as I’m struggling to chase the chaos out of my head.