During Such Times

The past months guided by a desire to see you smile
Playful jokes, tender nudges, little surprise gifts when they are least expected
Words of encouragement when it looks like you are about to cry
The risks, the deceit, you needn’t shed those undeserving tears
Maybe I care just a bit too much
Or maybe I’m way over my head
Or maybe I’m as unselfish as anyone can be
Or maybe there are ulterior motives that are only known to me
Or maybe I just don’t know how to separate all that needs separation 

During such times, I watch with gentle eyes
During such times, I’m fixated by your smile
During such times, I lose myself, picturing a life so perfect, you and I in a deep, deep love
During such times, with comfort absent, I drink myself to sleep
During such times, I’m filled with jealousy, imagining you with another
During such times, I’m driven mad by thoughts that zigzag through my head
During such times, I beg for a chance to be with you
During such times, I dream, and I deny, I plead, and I pray
During such times, I’m as confused as I am angry 
During such times, this is who I am
During such times, this is who I am

If I had a life with you to look forward to, how differently I might feel
So much left bottled inside, so many words which we’ll never speak
Yes, you cross my mind; yes, I think of you often; whispered only to myself 
Unable to understand why I feel so strongly or how this all began
Maybe it was on that day; the day that you caught my eye
Or maybe it was the first time that your smile caused my heart to skip a beat
Or maybe it was the first time you crossed my mind when you weren’t physically present
Or maybe it was the first time you entered my dreams 
Or maybe I just don’t have the ability to separate these two lives

During such times, I watch with gentle eyes
During such times, I’m fixated by your smile
During such times, I lose myself, picturing a perfect life, you and I in a deep, deep love
During such times, with comfort absent, I drink myself to sleep
During such times, I’m filled with jealousy, imagining you with another
During such times, I’m driven mad by thoughts that zigzag through my head
During such times, I beg for a chance to be with you
During such times, I dream, and I deny, I plead, and I pray
During such times, I’m as confused as I am angry 
During such times, this is who I am
During such times, this is who I am

These opportunities to make you smile each day are like gifts 
Five occasions each week to welcome you, to impress you, to show you I care
Five times each week to miss you immensely the second you walk away
With all that is near, it’s thoughts of never having you that cause my eyes to water over
Maybe I care more about how you are affected than what affects me 
Or maybe this past hurt and these past pains just haven’t taught me a single thing
Or maybe I choose to take myself to those places, despite knowing how badly I will soon hurt
Or maybe I don’t know how to convince myself that this will never be 
Or maybe I just don’t know how to separate these two lives