I Am It…It Is Me

Chiding myself over and over for not accomplishing tasks that reside beyond my ability. 
Repeatedly placing fault on myself for not having the ability to command factors outside of my control.
Unable to forgive myself for these constant failings when I would be the first to offer others a reprieve.
Continually feeling like I’m failing to achieve even when I’m uncertain where the success might live.

I am faithfully counted on by you, and others like you, who need my assistance at a moment’s notice.
I identify problems, explore solutions, and work through your situation until achieving resolution.
There is an undeniable feeling of being there for you in the clutch that swiftly leaves when the moment is over.
I give you all the credit when something goes right, but place all the blame on my shoulders when it does not.

I offer a front that provides nothing but a forced smile that masks indescribable pain.
I wear a disguise to fool even those in the know; a brick wall erected that the most powerful cannot even penetrate.
I swallow the anger as if it failed ever to exist, exiling the sadness to the deepest corners of my soul.
I analyze and decode the feelings in my head rather than ever giving them a chance to pierce my heart.

Unable to stay present in the moment, my head swirling with thoughts beyond my control.
Imaging future scenarios with the worst ones propelling themselves to the front of my mind and refusing to leave.
Speculating on how unexpected factors will force each foolproof plan to collapse, leaving me breathless, gasping for air. 
Appreciating the present, the flow of the here and now, requires a form of concentration that I just don’t possess.

There is an invisible undercurrent that no one else can see.
Something ominous, deeply-rooted, and ever-present.
Unrelenting, invasive, obtrusive; it adheres to no bounds.
It lands convincing strikes at the most inopportune times.
It can be quieted at times, but suppressing it is impossible.
It is depression, perfectly hidden from all the world’s onlookers. 
It both rules my life and ruins my sense of self-worth. 

My insecurities and fears are hidden by past achievement, continual praise reinforcing the idea that I can matter.
My skills, abilities, and performances lift me for only so long before disappearing as if they never even existed.
The constant pressure of measuring up to these past successes is always at the forefront of this restless mind.
Lacking the capability to recognize that I am a person of value that prevails beyond these results-driven tasks. 

Concerned about how my actions or inactions impact others rather than how factors might affect me.
The intense feelings of disappointment when I fail to meet expectations can overwhelm me to the point of exhaustion.
Right the wrong I must, despite the time commitment, despite the lack of resources at my disposal. 
Discovering during these times that there is this gigantic hole in me that cannot be filled solely by pleasing others. 

The vulnerability involved in maintaining true intimacy has hindered my ability to sustain meaningful relationships.
The deficiencies I hold in my head unfairly outweigh the kindness, generosity, and love that I’m capable of providing.
When I try to relate profoundly with others, sound mind or not, I falter in my ability to communicate or to share.
Focusing incorrectly on what I can do for a potential partner rather than who I can become with a potential partner.

Anger, fear, sadness, apprehension…everyday emotions not adequately addressed in favor of focusing on daily tasks.
Instead, these feelings are locked in the darkest corner of my mind, taunting me whenever and however they want.
And feelings like joy, peace, and hope have become so elusive that they’ve halted me from searching. 
The result is this snowball effect of painful life experiences bringing unimaginable regret, shame, and heartache. 

There is an invisible undercurrent that no one else can see.
Something ominous, deeply-rooted, and ever-present.
Unrelenting, invasive, obtrusive; it adheres to no bounds.
It lands convincing strikes at the most inopportune times.
It can be quieted at times, but suppressing it is impossible.
It is depression, perfectly hidden from all the world’s onlookers. 
It both rules my life and ruins my sense of self-worth.